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101. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-03-10 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-03-10 |
| Image Number: |
124100 |
| Caption: |
Hi, this is Hillary Clinton. (Sigh) Again? You call every week. The Wall Street Journal is saying I'm a month away from announcing whether I'm running for president. I know how excited you must be, average citizen. Will I? Won't I? You're only a month away from finally knowing! House of Java.net Cybercafe ... Or maybe you're not. Are you? Aren't you? Make it stop. Press "one" or hang up to donate to what may or may not be my campaign. |
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102. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-02-22 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-02-22 |
| Image Number: |
122492 |
| Caption: |
Rudy Park Enterprises is proud to announce its own Sadie Cohen has been selected as most obnoxious and caustic radio host of the year. Speech, speech!!! You're too kind. Obviously, every girl dreams of getting this kind of recognition. I'm well aware it's customary to thank everyone who made this moment possible. It's true I might not have won if it weren't for the lifeless jerks and imbeciles who listen to the show and write in with their stupid email questions. But you are all beneath contempt. The only person I want to thank is Rudy Park. Your shallow and insipid existence inspires me every single day. Can I tweet that? |
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103. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-02-08 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-02-08 |
| Image Number: |
121926 |
| Caption: |
The Afghanistan war officially ended one month ago. The "Af-What-Istan what" did what? What? That's what I asked you. I said, the Afghanistan war ended. You know, the war we've been fighting for the last thirteen years! We've been fighting a war for the last 13 years? That's odd ... I don't know anyone who was in it. Did we win? Holy Moses. Woulda been cool if it had kept going for 101 years, then it would be a world record. You're the best argument there is for bringing back the draft. "Draft"? You mean beer? |
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104. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-01-22 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-01-22 |
| Image Number: |
121923 |
| Caption: |
Time moves so fast when you're older. No, it moves more slowly. No, it moves fast. You remember things that happened ten years ago as if they happened yesterday. No, it moves slowly. Every day is a tedious, endless moebius strip of boredom, punctuated only by the occasional argument. You win. This talk feels like it's going on forever. I feel like I've been winning for a million years. |
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105. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-01-13 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-01-13 |
| Image Number: |
121460 |
| Caption: |
Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex." |
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106. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-01-11 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-01-11 |
| Image Number: |
120669 |
| Caption: |
My new year's resolution is to write a best-selling novel. Did you know "50 Shades of Grey" started out as fan fiction about that vampire book "Twilight"? I just need to repeat that formula: write fan fiction about a popular book and then just change all the names when I'm done. That way, my book will appeal to that same audience and they won't even know why. Which "popular book" are you going to write fan fiction about? "50 Shades of Grey." Only I'll change the names to "Bella" and "Edward," and make them all vampires and werewolves. The literary world won't even see me coming. But they'll sure see you going. |
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107. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2015-01-04 |
Pub. Date: |
2015-01-04 |
| Image Number: |
120323 |
| Caption: |
He'll have a crumb of wheat toast. No I won't! I'll have a sausage biscuit with cheese. And he'll have a plain glass of water. No I won't! I'll have a mocha with whipped cream. And for dessert ... I'll have a hot buttered blueberry scone with pumpkin-spice frosting and peppermint sprinkles! That looks lovely! He'll have plain yogurt. If you don't eat right, you won't be around for me to berate. Give me a double donut burger! A triple would be more humane. |
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108. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-12-29 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-12-29 |
| Image Number: |
120912 |
| Caption: |
Hi, this is Hillary Clinton. What? Really? I haven't yet decided whether I'll run for president. Um ... Ok ... that's all right. Ok ok, I'll admit, I have decided that I am definitely, absolutely thinking about it. Will I? Won't I? House of Java.net Cybercafe. Wait for citizen to express hopeful anticipation. Oh come on. I'm being told I'm not supposed to have said that part out loud. |
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109. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-12-21 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-12-21 |
| Image Number: |
119729 |
| Caption: |
Are you a "Star Wars" fan, good sir? Who isn't? I would like to propose a small wager. Ask me any question about Star Wars. Any question at all … and if I answer with 100% accuracy, I will win a free coffee and scone per day, for an entire year. Interesting. And what do I get if you answer wrong? You get this laptop computer. It's fully functional, except for a slight catastrophic logic board failure. Deal. Sucker. Here's the question: what was I wearing when I saw 'Empire Strikes Back' in the theater in 1980? Huh? What was I wearing, smart guy? Underpants. Ha! Nice try, but I always wore my Underoos OVER my pants! |
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110. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-11-06 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-11-06 |
| Image Number: |
118566 |
| Caption: |
I don’t know, man, I think you've taken it a little too far, divvying people up like this. Nonsense. It's a delicate balance. A little depression is good for business. Stimulates the sale of comfort foods. But too much depression, and half of my patrons won't even get out of bed, let alone buy anything. What do you mean "stop"? All I said to that democrat was "nanny-nanny-boo-boo." Yes, but you're in the non-gloating section. |
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111. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-11-04 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-11-04 |
| Image Number: |
118564 |
| Caption: |
Are you excited the republicans are going to take back the Senate? Of course. Do you have any idea how many organic, gluten-free, non-GMO sustainable, eco-friendly cups of conflict-free hot cocoa I'm going to be selling? Not to mention the free-range turkey Panini's. Liberals eat comfort foods, too. |
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112. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-11-03 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-11-03 |
| Image Number: |
118563 |
| Caption: |
Election's tomorrow and the republican party seems to be trending. I guess it's countdown time again. Shall we? 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … Hey! Guess what, everyone? I'm a republican! DNC. For the next couple years, anyway. |
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113. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-10-29 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-10-29 |
| Image Number: |
118265 |
| Caption: |
You're on, caller. What's your problem? My baby won't stop crying. How do I get her to stop? What do you mean, "get her to stop"? Your baby's a human being and she already has things she wants to tell you. Crying is the only language she knows. Just hold her, tell her "I hear you" ... ... AND GROW A THICKER SKIN! BABY TEARS AREN'T LITTLE GRENADES, LOSER! I wish she'd just text me like everyone else. |
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114. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-10-03 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-10-03 |
| Image Number: |
117142 |
| Caption: |
You are not allowed to join the army, little buddy. You don’t want me getting hurt in the war? I just don’t think someone who's never won an arm-wrestling match in his life has any business taking on terrorists. For your information, you're looking at the world lightweight champion of thumb wrestling, fourteen years running. Not at all the same thing. And my mom said playing video games would never take me anywhere. |
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115. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-09-28 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-09-28 |
| Image Number: |
116264 |
| Caption: |
Open Mike Night Presents Sadie Cohen in: "The Difference Between Us." You're all half a century younger than me … which makes me so very aflutter with glee. YOU think a Smartphone makes you a big champ … … But I saw Muhammad Ali. You think reading tweets lets you know somebody ... ... but each letter I read was caressed and indented and scented and carried the ESSENCE of whoever sent it. I'm trying to wake you from a "life" that's too thin! ... Or, barring that, BREAK you. Either way, win-win. Can you repeat that? I was watching YouTube. What's a "letter"? |
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116. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-09-07 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-09-07 |
| Image Number: |
115314 |
| Caption: |
Today's MAN LESSON is "The Art of Promising." I'm ready. Part one: Never … promise … anything. Wait … what do you mean? Pretend you're the lady. Ask me to promise you something. Ok … (ahem) … Promise me you won't ever even LOOK at another woman? A man would have to be CRAZY to look at another woman when he COULD be looking at the most beautiful woman in the world. And I'm not crazy. Notice, if you will, not only is there a complete absence of a promise ... ... there are also at least four iron-clad loopholes built in. Can you identify them? This is worse than math to me. |
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117. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-08-14 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-08-14 |
| Image Number: |
114990 |
| Caption: |
Authenticity, little buddy. That's the secret to success in love, in the workplace … in everything. You need to know who you are. What you want. What you won't put up with. What you value. And you need to never say or do ANYTHING that contradicts any of that. People who respect you being your own man will be drawn to you like pennies to a magnet. Can I copy that and tweet it? |
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118. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-07-04 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-07-04 |
| Image Number: |
113255 |
| Caption: |
I want to know there's something valuable about me that won't ever pale in comparison to someone else. Really? That's the kind of desire that makes a lot of people turn to religion. Do Not Disturb. … Y'know, so they can feel like they have some unique role to play in some grand machine. Sounds good. Which religion is the best. I like commercianity. It has lots of games and movies and stuff. |
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119. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-05-30 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-05-30 |
| Image Number: |
111862 |
| Caption: |
Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the café to somewhere where people earn much less? If people earn much less, they won't be able to afford your products. Sweet, innocent Rudy. If there's one thing people love more than affording to buy stuff, it's buying stuff they can't afford. |
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120. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2014-05-17 |
Pub. Date: |
2014-05-17 |
| Image Number: |
111309 |
| Caption: |
I'll admit, yesterday I was off my game. I made a rookie mistake and you bested me, nemesis. But I'll take comfort in the fact that the internet has ruined your ability to convert short-term memories into long-term ones. You won't recall minute details of your day ... all you'll remember are the parts that stick out most, such as me yelling ... ... YOU'RE SUCH A LOSER! Joke's on you, I won't even remember that. |
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