I had to lay off all the employees at my backup business. Backing people up in online arguments isn't profitable anymore? Not after last night. President Trump found out I was backing up Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd, so he slapped a 30% tariff on my industry. Suddenly my foreign employees were costing me a fortune. So you're going to hire Americans to argue, then? No, I'm going to automate the whole thing. I've already programmed the hate-bot.
What's the best way to break up a marriage? I'm not sure I want to know why you're asking. As long as Beyonce's sister stays married, I don’t have much chance of marrying her myself. I'm not fit enough for "Survivor," I don't have eight kids, and I'm a bit too old to be on "Big Brother." I figure marrying a celebrity's sister is my best chance to finally get my own reality show. Does "Willis" from "Diff'rent Strokes" have a sister? Ok, now I'm 100% sure.