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Candorville

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221. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-01-09 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-01-09 Pub. Date: 2011-01-09
Image Number: 55837
Caption: I'm sorry, sir, you have to pay at the increased rate. Listen, I signed up for your "all the best" package last year, but then to get the SYFY Channel, I had to sign up for an extra "tier" of service at $5 more per month. That's correct, sir, and we thank you for your gullib ... um ... loyalty. But a rate increase is a rate increase. "All the Best" should mean all the best! Sir, your basic lineup did include all the best. It even included the Sewing Channel. Are you aware I can cancel my cable and get most of what I watch, for much less, from Netflix and online? Or I can start reading books. Now we know you're bluffing.
     
222. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-11-24 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-11-24 Pub. Date: 2010-11-24
Image Number: 54481
Caption: I can't wait till I'm older so I can vote against President @#$%. Who? That old guy on the TV with the grandpa voice. PRESIDENT @#$%. His name is @#$%? That's what Momma says every time he comes on TV.
     
223. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-10-25 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-10-25 Pub. Date: 2010-10-25
Image Number: 53533
Caption: Times are tight and we have an 8-year-old to feed. Should I cancel our cable and internet? It'd save us $100/month. #$%& no. Then y'all'd have to actually talk to each other. That'd be MORE costly. Really? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2. Right now. If your wife cheatin', you don't know. If your 8-year-old emotionally disturbed, you have no idea. A $100 cable bill cheaper than alimony and a therapist. I hadn't thought of it like that.
     
224. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-10-06 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-10-06 Pub. Date: 2010-10-06
Image Number: 52724
Caption: Wait … did you say my talk in Walnut Creek was online? You saw it? You didn't know? It was on TV, too. OMG! I KNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO SOMETHING BIG. WAS IT PRIME TIME? NBC? CBS? CNN? The library channel at two in the morning. Just as good! Did you actually just say "OMG"?
     
225. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-09-26 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-09-26 Pub. Date: 2010-09-26
Image Number: 52197
Caption: I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. Ok … Good … Lemont, how do you feel about what it just said? IT'S B.S.!!! Don't I spend a whole hour every day just listening to you and gazing into you? He used to spend four hours a day doing that. But now he spends most of his time with the internet. I can't deal with this jealousy! It's like he gives the internet a meal. And all I get are crumbs. I bet he's thinking about his iPhone right now. I AM! ... NOT! I AM NOT!
     
226. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-07-17 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-07-17 Pub. Date: 2010-07-17
Image Number: 49542
Caption: twitter. Twitter.com/(No Suggestions). Turned on CNN. First words I heard were "dirty colonoscopy equipment." Turned off CNN.
     
227. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-06-30 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-06-30 Pub. Date: 2010-06-30
Image Number: 49072
Caption: Hello, Billy? This is your uncle. Listen, I don't want to scare you, but … … I tried to deliver a subpoena to Lemont Brown's fiancée, and she chained me up in the basement! Do you want me to call 911? YES!!! … and also can you record "Project Runway"? I forgot to set the DVR.
     
228. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-04-24 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-04-24 Pub. Date: 2010-04-24
Image Number: 46587
Caption: So, how are you two getting along? Very well. Dr. Noodle Couple's Counseling. I discovered a cable news channel that sees the world exactly as I do. So now when I turn HER on, she never challenges me with inconvenient facts. Or ratings … I mean, our relationship ... is stronger than ever.
     
229. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-04-21 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-04-21 Pub. Date: 2010-04-21
Image Number: 46584
Caption: The Civil War was not about slavery. YES IT WAS! Hold on, Lemont … Couple's therapy only works if you each allow the other to freely express yourselves. Don't dismiss what your partner says; validate it. Then you say how it makes you feel. The Civil War was NOT about slavery. I see. Ok. That makes ME feel like you're a complete moron.
     
230. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-04-20 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-04-20 Pub. Date: 2010-04-20
Image Number: 46437
Caption: The Civil War was not about slavery. It was about patriots fighting for limited government. (Click.) You're suffering from a Vulcan mind-meld, Doctor. That green-blooded son of a BEEP! It's his revenge for all those arguments we lost. Turn it back to CNN, Lemont. Not until she starts making sense! Lemont, this is not the way -- (Click). I AM YOUR FATHER! I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!
     
231. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-04-19 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-04-19 Pub. Date: 2010-04-19
Image Number: 46436
Caption: Dr. Noodle. Couple's Counseling. I think she's crazy. Sometimes she says things that just make no sense. The Civil War was not about slavery .. We're going to have to schedule extra sessions. Lose weight without exercising.
     
232. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-02-09 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-02-09 Pub. Date: 2010-02-09
Image Number: 43924
Caption: I don't see why I need a follow-up appointment. You went through something traumatic … … We need to ensure your recovery's on track. Watching all those earthquake victims suffering on my TV was hard. But then "Seinfeld" came on and I was fine. … Or were you referring to that psychotic break I had? Let's back up a second ...
     
233. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-01-24 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-01-24 Pub. Date: 2010-01-24
Image Number: 43152
Caption: What do you want to watch? I don't know. What do you want to watch? "Fringe." I ain't watching no sci fi nonsense. Not when "Real Housewives of Comptom" on. I got the third choose, so I win. Do-over. I can't go against the sacred rule of threes. I asked, you declined to choose. Then it was up to me. If you want the rule to work for you, next time have the foresight to ask first. Wonder if this's the week Peter finds out he's from an alternate universe. One where I don't kick you @*$%?
     
234. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-01-06 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-01-06 Pub. Date: 2010-01-06
Image Number: 42638
Caption: Fear, Inc. I called you all here because the Fox "News" division is blowing you all out of the water. Figmond Trip, I'm looking at you. Your tea party division especially was a serious disappointment. Sir, I don't think that's fair. I mean, Mr. Armey and Ms. Bachmann had no chance against Fox's O'Reilly and Hannity. I mean, the three-legged race is stacked in their favor. Hannity's inhumanly quick. I suspect steroids, if you wanna know the truth. ... Um, we're not talking about last week's picnic, are we. Sit down, Figmond.
     
235. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-01-05 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-01-05 Pub. Date: 2010-01-05
Image Number: 42637
Caption: Fear, Inc. 2009 turned out to be a banner year for our division. Fox News Channel. In fact, if it weren't for us, the company would've ended the year in the red. Did you say red? You know who really liked the color red? … KARL MARX. Everybody give a round of applause to the 2009 "Salesman of the Year," GLENN BECK! Know who else measured time in years? ... Nazis.
     
236. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2009-11-25 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2009-11-25 Pub. Date: 2009-11-25
Image Number: 41222
Caption: … Have spotted wolves in areas of the world where they were either never-before seen, or thought to be extinct. Scientists fear click. … Asteroid the size of Manhattan is headed straight for click. … Will probably die a slow and painful death unless you avoid click. .. Gilligaaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ...
     
237. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2009-10-30 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2009-10-30 Pub. Date: 2009-10-30
Image Number: 40268
Caption: Hi, I'm David. I will be your kidnapper today. I'm Lemont Brown, a journalist. Nice to meet you. I'm at the forefront of Mexico's burgeoning "Kidnapping American Professionals" industry. Thriving U.S. companies pay me a lot of money to release their workers. Where should I send your ransom note? CNN? NBC? Well, I work for a newspaper. It's ... That was nice of them to give us 50 pesos. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
     
238. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2009-10-27 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2009-10-27 Pub. Date: 2009-10-27
Image Number: 40265
Caption: If you really Lemont from the future, tell me somethin' important. All right. Democrats wimp out, we don't get universal health care … … So a million or so Americans will die prematurely over the next 60 years. One of 'em, ironically, was close to discovering the cure for death. I said important, @#$%! (Sigh) ... In 2015, there'll be a big budget "Gilligan's Island" movie starring Wesley Snipes and Tom Hanks. Now we talkin'. I was hoping my memories of you were distorted by the senility. Will Kanye ever stop bein' a punk-@#$?
     
239. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2009-10-04 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2009-10-04 Pub. Date: 2009-10-04
Image Number: 39059
Caption: I'm sick of liberals saying President Obama's critics are racists. I mean, just because he's the only president to be called a liar in a joint session of Congress in all the sixty years of the television age … … doesn't mean anything. Maybe not. And just 'cause the Congressman who shouted at him is a member of the sons of Confederate veterans doesn't mean anything either. Page 18,997 subparagraph x in "The Delusional Black Man's Guide to Interpreting the Behavior of Others." "Move along, nothing see here."
     
240. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2009-09-13 television 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2009-09-13 Pub. Date: 2009-09-13
Image Number: 38147
Caption: VH1 presents Where Are They Now? The Some-People Story: Part Two. The time was 2009, and the straw man called "some people" had hit rock bottom. I want to take your guns. Yawn. Nobody was paying attention and he collapsed in an orgy of booze-fueled self-pity. The former Titan of the false-argument industry tried to end it all. Eat me! Why won't you eat me?! Squawk? But there's a season for everything, and soon "some people's" fortunes were about to change. No, I don't know what you're talking about. Turn off that camera. Dubble Cross Health Insurance CEO. With a new name and a new purpose, he was back in the saddle again. Gimme your Grandma! I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill her! AAAAAH!!! What else is on? I'm gonna use your tax dollars to pay for illegal immigrant's vaccinations! Oh dear God! NNOOO!!!
     
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