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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-14 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-14 Pub. Date: 2019-07-14
Image Number: 178556
Caption: According to Elon Musk, time travel is possible. I can't wait to time-travel. Elon Musk said time travel is possible? Well, not in so many words. He said it's almost a certainty that we're living in a simulation being run by our descendants in the distant future. His reasoning makes sense. In just my lifetime, we went from "Pac-Man" to "The Sims," where Sims live, work, fall in love, have kids ... and in a few decades, the Sims will be artificially intelligent and they'll actually believe they're experiencing all that. If we're artificially intelligent Sims, then anything is possible. What time travel to be possible? Just wait for the Great Programmer to install the "time travel" expansion pack. Want to live forever? Get him to install the "immortality" expansion pack. According to Elon Musk, I'm one expansion pack away from being a billionaire playboy. Nothing doing. the Great Programmer exhausted all his "miracle" expansion packs 2,000 years ago. But he's still got some "delusion" expansions. (This cartoon was originally published on 2016-07-10).
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-09 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-09 Pub. Date: 2019-06-09
Image Number: 178019
Caption: The year 2039. Beeeep … Beeeep … Beeeep … This is an alert from the emergency broadcast system. This is not a frill. An oxygen dead zone has been detected in your area. Remain indoors, seal all vents, and activate your dwelling's oxygen tank. If you are outdoors without a personal supply of oxygen, proceed to the nearest shelter. If you are at a shelter but have no oxygen insurance, immediately exit the shelter and hold your breath as long as possible. State Tv now returns you to your program, already in progress ... six of the candidates applying to the Chamber of Commerce to be overseer of North America favor an Oxygen for All system. Thanks because they're socialists. Click.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-04 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-04 Pub. Date: 2019-06-04
Image Number: 177953
Caption: I can't wait to watch Star Trek: Picard. The teaser trailer made it pretty clear the show heavily involves the destruction of Romulus from J.J. Abrams 2009 film. That's going to tick off all the Abrams-haters who've been whining ever since 2009. I. Cannot. Wait. I thought Star Trek was all about a future where people aren't petty anymore. I'm all for eradicating pettiness after I get this last dig in.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-16 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-16 Pub. Date: 2019-05-16
Image Number: 177623
Caption: This just in: Because of us, one million species are on the brink of extinction. The food chain will collapse … Click … Measles outbreak. Scientists believe the virus has mutated, and evolved, and is now calling people to see if they're home. Click … Chocked to discover the beloved puppet may have been posting on white supremacist discussion forums ... Click ... Gillicaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiife ...
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-04 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-04 Pub. Date: 2019-05-04
Image Number: 177388
Caption: Where you been last couple days, Big L? The Star Trek Discovery season finale was incredible. It made me really want a Captain Pike spin-off. So naturally, I've been in every discussion forum and all over social media trying to motivate everyone on earth to sign the CBS, give us a pre-TOS Star Trek series w/ Captain Pike. Struggle is pointless. petition on Change.org. Naturally don't meant what you think it mean. How do you say please in Hindi?
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-24 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-24 Pub. Date: 2019-04-24
Image Number: 177325
Caption: I interviewed President Trump the other day. He still really believes he only lost the popular vote because there were up to 5 million illegal votes … even though there's zero evidence of that. It didn't make sense 'til yesterday. Remember that line from the Seinfeld rerun we saw last night? A lie is not a lie if you believe it. America elected George Costanza president.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-10 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-10 Pub. Date: 2019-04-10
Image Number: 177115
Caption: Remember Oleg, from junior high? I remember thinking even back then, I hate that guy. He'd run his fingers through girls' hair … rub their necks … kiss them all hello on the lips … I remember you used to say Sitcoms make very special episodes about guys like that. That's how I know anyone saying We didn't know it was wrong back then is full of it. Not everyone watched as much tv as you, Lemont.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-28 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-28 Pub. Date: 2019-03-28
Image Number: 176942
Caption: Your article about the electoral college was riddled with inaccuracies. You mean my humor column? The electoral college not a for-profit, fake real estate training program started by James and Ivanka Madison to defraud people out of their life savings. It was a joke. And Hollywood actors and rich CEOs did not bribe people to get their spoiled kids into the electoral college. It was a joke. (Sigh) People always get extra-literal when their worldview is challenged. We're talking about my view of the electoral college, not of the world.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-27 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-27 Pub. Date: 2019-03-27
Image Number: 176941
Caption: Lemont, I don't think millions of people watch Star Trek: Discovery. Parrot Analytics found Discovery had 24,859,094 average demand expressions per week. Other shows with those numbers had between 4 and 7 million viewers per episode, according to Nielsen Ratings. Parrot Analytics? You can't refute something just by questioning it in a skeptical tone. I can't? Stop that?
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-26 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-26 Pub. Date: 2019-03-26
Image Number: 176940
Caption: Wanna know how I know Star Trek: Discovery is a big deal? How? There are conspiracy theorists on Youtube trying to debunk it. I've seen people debunk the JFK assassination. I've seen them debunk the moon landing. Never in my life have I seen people try to prove that an insidious cabal of tv executives is deceiving fans into thinking a tv show is actually set in the universe they say it's set in. Their hour-long video about how the uniforms are 25 percent different from Captain Kirk's almost lured me in. Dios mio.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-25 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-25 Pub. Date: 2019-03-25
Image Number: 176939
Caption: Did you know that every week, millions of people gather on social media and Youtube for one purpose … which is to bash Star Trek: Discovery. They go over every last detail that they hated about each week's episode. All these gigantic online crowds of people seem to agree on one thing. Which is? That nobody watches it.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-13 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-13 Pub. Date: 2019-03-13
Image Number: 176726
Caption: This just in: Police arrest 80 protesters and journalists after the D.A. refuses to indict officers for shooting an unarmed … Click. North Korea is rebuilding a nuclear missile test site and appears to be targeting your house. Click … in London, second man appears to have been cured of HIV. Side effects of the cure include drowsiness, sneezing and zombiism. Click ... Gilligaaaan, the Skipper tooo ... the millionaire ... Mun mun mun -
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-21 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-21 Pub. Date: 2019-02-21
Image Number: 176394
Caption: I looked up that Ralph Waldo Emerson quote. He said … To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is a great accomplishment. I wonder if he'd have said that if he hadn't died in 1882. I'm not sure marching to the beat of one's own drummer is as great an accomplishment as walking on the moon, for instance. Shhh. Gilligan Island be on.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-03 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-03 Pub. Date: 2019-02-03
Image Number: 175839
Caption: I read your article where you bashed people who accuse Star Trek Discovery of being a Social Justice Warrior show. You wrote Star Trek has always been a show about social justice. The entire premise of the show was a ship full of people from all walks of life ... flying from planet to planet to enlighten bigots, fascists and all kinds of other (censored). But you're hopelessly biased. Of course you would want people to have a so-called open mind. Your grandmother was a call-girl. Don't bother denying it, I spent all night on Google figuring it out. She was a telephone operator ... That's what they called telephone operators. Your defensiveness means I'm right. That's science.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-27 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-27 Pub. Date: 2019-01-27
Image Number: 175735
Caption: Ever since the president announced he'd be pulling troops out of Syria, I've felt like some nefarious entity has put blinders on me. And I only see what they want me to see. Dr. Noodle. I spent all day channel-flipping between MSNBC, Fox and CNN … and reading all the usual newspapers ... and then it hit me ... I didn't read or hear a single voice saying we should not be militarily occupying other people's countries. It's as if the media's entire purpose is to pretend there is no dissenting opinion about our endless wars. Look what happened when Phil Donahue. He had the highest rated show on MSNBC. But as soon as he came out against invading Iraq, he disappeared! Anti-war voices in the media always disappear. That's a bit paran ... Hey ... where'd you ... ?
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-09 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-09 Pub. Date: 2019-01-09
Image Number: 175738
Caption: The universe is expanding so fast that in one trillion years, all evidence of the Big Bang will have disappeared from view. Oh wow. About 600 million years from now, earth will experience its very last solar eclipse. In less than 100 million years Saturn's rings will be gone. It's amazing that we live at exactly the right time to witness these things. That's a beautiful point, Lemont. You should stop there. In just one year, Game of Thrones will be over forever.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-02 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-02 Pub. Date: 2019-01-02
Image Number: 175658
Caption: Ever since I was five and saw The Menagerie, I wondered what it'd be like to see a Star Trek series featuring Captain Pike. I'm finally getting that, sort of, on season 2 of Star Trek Discovery. Proves nothin', bruh. I ain't even sure what that all mean. It's like you threw a bunch of random nerd words together an' pretended it made a point. Captain Picard is back, too. And so's The Orville. I'm just sayin, that and a new season of the expanse means 2019 is the year miracles happen. Stop that.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-25 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-25 Pub. Date: 2018-11-25
Image Number: 174819
Caption: This is the Hallmark Channel. Tonight on the Andy Griffith Show, little Opie Taylor gets … recruited into the Nazi party, only here on the History Channel. But first, Ancient Aliens … were easily confirmed for lifetime appointments to the federal courts. Fox News reports that most senators ... were totally rubber stamps! ... You've been watching Top Ten Favorite Office Supplies. If you like our content, do all the Youtube things: Like, share, and ... set fire to the Reichstag, giving Hitler an excuse to demand almost-unlimited emergency powers. Despite the evidence, he blamed it on a devious liberal conspiracy to subvert ... Gilligan, Mary Ann, and the Skipper, too.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-19 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-19 Pub. Date: 2018-09-19
Image Number: 174074
Caption: Clyde, you notice all that ash outside? That's because of that wildfire raging 50 miles away. I don't recall having massive wildfires all the time when I was a kid. 'Course not. You was always inside watching tv. If they didn't mention it on The Love Boat, you didn't know @#$ about it. I watched the news, too. Don't remind me. You was the only six-year-old came to Halloween dressed like Ted Koppel.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-12 program 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-12 Pub. Date: 2018-09-12
Image Number: 173984
Caption: This country's moved too far to the left. You can tell every time you turn on the tv. There used to be shows like Little House on the Prairie, which taught good, wholesome family values … and Gunsmoke, which taught good, wholesome respect for the sheriff's proper role as judge, jury and executioner ... and The Munsters which taught us good, wholesome disdain for multiculturalism. Wait ... are you just messing with me?
     
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