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281. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-08-23 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-09-05 Pub. Date: 2006-08-23
Image Number: 14476
Caption: Facing mounting criticism of its bombing of Lebanon, Israel insists it is acting with restraint. Israel says it is doing everything it can to avoid killing civilians, and that it's bombing only the terrorists. Israel says its bombing campaign is as careful and precise as a laser beam. Precise, precise, precise. In unrelated news, Israel has asked the U.S. for cluster bombs that shatter and explode over a broad area.
     
282. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-08-28 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-08-29 Pub. Date: 2006-08-28
Image Number: 14528
Caption: In an alternate universe, the events of 1770 happen instead in 2000 … In other news … A runaway slave named Crispus Attucks and two others were killed in Boston today by British troops. Two others were critically wounded. The Crown says Attucks was leading a terrorist mob against the troops, who responded appropriately. Parliament vows to deal with terrorist threat. In other news, "Colonial Beauty" wins best picture.
     
283. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-08-29 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-08-29 Pub. Date: 2006-08-29
Image Number: 14548
Caption: In an alternate universe, the events on 1773 happen instead in 2003 … I'm Wolf Blitzer! And you're watching CNN! Our main story! Riot in Boston! Several crates of tea dumped into the harbor! Here to talk about it! The King's Press Secretary! Scott McClellan! Wolf, this King will never back down in the face of terrorist threats. Other news! Michael Jackson on trial!
     
284. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-08-13 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-08-13 Pub. Date: 2006-08-13
Image Number: 14364
Caption: President Bush, most Americans favor embryonic stem cell research. Americans say these embryos will be thrown away anyway… Why not use them to find cures for horrible diseases? Why let the embryos perish in vain when they can save millions of lives? Well, don't ask me, Bob. Just ask the embryos. I have a couple here with me, let 'em talk for themselves. Golly, Bob, I'm a person too. I have dreams. I want to be a ballerina. Me too, Bob. I wanna be a professional wrestler. Sure, we're gonna be thrown away. But who's to say the garbage lady won't trip, and I'll end up implanted in her uterus, where I'll grow up and become a pretty dancer who wears tutus? I can see your lips moving, Mr. Bush. I like to dance. And I like to wrassle!
     
285. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-08-10 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-08-10 Pub. Date: 2006-08-10
Image Number: 14346
Caption: Brown, I want you to see something. What the-- that's my article from the Candorville Chronicle. Ain't every day we got a famous man working our cash register. It makes the other fellas proud. Makes us all proud, son. Wow. Thanks, Mr. Mallott. How 'bout a raise? Not that proud.
     
286. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-08-03 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-08-03 Pub. Date: 2006-08-03
Image Number: 14293
Caption: Bad news, calling today's conflicts "World War III" tested poorly with our focus group. The consensus was that the third installment of any trilogy is just a lame knockoff of the first two. Return of the Jedi, Superman 3, Terminator 3… If you want to really inspire people... The focus group preferred "The First Intergalactic War." Works for me.
     
287. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-30 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-07-30 Pub. Date: 2006-07-30
Image Number: 14289
Caption: What do you see, Murph? People, same as last week, Jules. Are they doing anything disloyal? That one's reading the news-paper. The comics page, I'd say. What strip? Blondie? The Oldersons? No. I can make out a few words, "President..." What else, Murph? What else does it say? I-M-P... "impeach." It says "impeach," Jules. Yes! Dissent! Sedition! Treason! We've caught another one reading disloyal America-hating, anti-troop, leftist TREASON! Oh, wait... it says "I'm peachy." Crud.
     
288. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-24 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-07-24 Pub. Date: 2006-07-24
Image Number: 14281
Caption: Sale! Tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians have been killed during our occupation. Awful. But if it'll save millions of lives in the long run, it's worth the loss of innocent lives. Some in Congress want to expand funding for stem cell research. Awful! Even if it'll save millions of lives in the long run, it's not worth the loss of these innocent lives!
     
289. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-10 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-07-19 Pub. Date: 2006-07-10
Image Number: 14170
Caption: June 29, 2006. In other news, the Supreme Court has ruled that the President cannot do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if he says we're engaged in an endless war. You ever had déjà vu? July 4, 1776. What ho! The Continental Congress hath decreed that the King cannot do whatsoever he wanteth, whenever he wanteth, even if he sayeth the empire is engaged in an endless war.
     
290. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-17 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-07-18 Pub. Date: 2006-07-17
Image Number: 14177
Caption: In other news, congressional leaders are condemning the Candorville Chronicle for reporting that American troops are stationed in Baghdad. More treason by the media! They've revealed valuable information that the enemy wouldn't otherwise have figured out!
     
291. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-05 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-07-05 Pub. Date: 2006-07-05
Image Number: 14165
Caption: Tonight's top story: Candorville may be the first city in American to get universal healthcare…as part of popular mayor Patsy Ernesto's anti-poverty crusade. Wow, good news for poor people for once! In other news, mayor Patsy Ernesto has just been arrested on a seven-count felony indictment.
     
292. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-06-22 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-06-22 Pub. Date: 2006-06-22
Image Number: 13993
Caption: In other news, the Army has decided to accept obese applicants. Some believe that is a sign that the Iraq has stretched the military too thin. Others believe this is conspiracy to benefit Halliburton's dessert division.
     
293. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-06-05 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-06-08 Pub. Date: 2006-06-05
Image Number: 13933
Caption: In other news, Congress is accusing the executive branch of violating the separation of powers. 'Bout time. Is this about the 750 laws the White House ignored? Is this about their imprisoning folks in secret jails without trials, or spying on Americans without a warrant? Congress demands the Justice Department stop searching the offices of Congressmen accused on taking bribes.
     
294. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-05-28 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-05-30 Pub. Date: 2006-05-28
Image Number: 13827
Caption: Thank you all for coming the annual staff retreat where we build up your morale by playing childish, humiliating games. Loading Dock. Because of my enormous bonus this year, we couldn't afford sacks for the sack race so we’ll be using Huffy garbage bags instead. The bad news, we've deducted the cost of the bags from your salaries. The good news is, whoever wins the race gets to keep his pension.
     
295. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-05-21 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-05-24 Pub. Date: 2006-05-21
Image Number: 13789
Caption: Good news from your cellphone company! Our mega-merger went through! Even though we're almost a monopoly, and you only have one or two other choices, rest assured … We are as committed as ever to ensuring high quality service and low prices. This box contains your brand new phone --- Yours, free of charge! It's our way of saying "thanks." Where's congress when you need them? You new high-tech phone will work perfectly with our upgraded network!
     
296. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-04-09 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-04-10 Pub. Date: 2006-04-09
Image Number: 13426
Caption: Welcome to the Sunday morning political show. Today's hot topic: the spread of nuclear weapons. Representing the contention that this is a bad thing. We have President Bush from March 2006. They're in violation of the nuclear nonproliferation treaty. There's going to be consequences, if you know what I mean, Bob. And here to represent the other side of the debate, we have President Bush from two days later. Thanks, Bob. Let's take India. F'Rinstance, they didn't sign the nuclear nonproliferation treaty, so hey, no problem. In fact, I just told them we'd look the other way if they wanna build more nukes! Bob, I seem to be sending the world mixed messages. No I'm not.
     
297. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-03-21 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-03-24 Pub. Date: 2006-03-21
Image Number: 13286
Caption: I've got my own problems, Special Agent Murph. I know. You were in a coma for two weeks without health insurance, so you now owe the hospital $85,000. Your mother's angry you haven't called her since yesterday at noon ... A woman you dated years ago just returned with news that'll ruin your life … And the federal government is spying on me. You sure? That's not in here.
     
298. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-03-09 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-03-15 Pub. Date: 2006-03-09
Image Number: 13190
Caption: I've been in a coma the last couple of weeks. What have I missed? Nothing, really. The Vice President shot an elderly man in the face. A bloody civil war may have started in Iraq. Did you just say the Vice President shot a man in the face? Hey, that's old news. Try to keep up. Sorry. Besides, the victim apologized.
     
299. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-03-10 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-03-15 Pub. Date: 2006-03-10
Image Number: 13191
Caption: In other news, the White House has decided to see the state of Delaware to the United Arab Emirates. Congressional leaders have expressed concern about this deal considering the despotic nation helped fund the 9-11 terrorists and still has ties to Al Qaeda. The White House says Delawarians have nothing to worry about.
     
300. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-03-12 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2006-03-15 Pub. Date: 2006-03-12
Image Number: 13193
Caption: This just in, a recent study shows that the average American is unable to save any money. Because of the rising cost of living, widespread unemployment and the loss of high-paying blue collar jobs Americans are spending all their after-tax income and even going into debt, just to get by. In short, the average American is unable to set aside any money. In unrelated news, the President's health care plan is to have people set aside money each month to pay for their health care.
     
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