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Candorville

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241. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-06-04 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-06-04 Pub. Date: 2007-06-04
Image Number: 17453
Caption: BRITNEY SPEARS! ALEC BALDWIN! DAVID HASSELHOFF! SIMON COWELL! ANNA NICOLE! President Bush gives himself vast powers in the event he declares a "National Emergency." BRITNEY SPEARS! ALEC BALDWIN! DAVID HASSELHOFF! SIMON COWELL! ANNA NICOLE! Wait. Back up a little? Sorry, time for my nap.
     
242. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-05-30 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-05-30 Pub. Date: 2007-05-30
Image Number: 17383
Caption: In other news, after having outsourced some commander-in-chief duties to a so-called "war czar"… …the president has decided to outsource other typical presidential roles. Oprah Winfrey has just been appointed "photo op czar." When asked for comment, Winfrey directed us to the new "Avoiding-the-question czar," who hasn't returned our calls.
     
243. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-02 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-05-22 Pub. Date: 2006-07-02
Image Number: 14162
Caption: On today's Sunday morning political show, our guest in Condoleeza Rice. Thanks, Bob. Listen, Iran is a grave and gathering threat. We must confront it now, while we still can. Ms. Rice, that's almost exactly what you said in 2002 about Iraq. Some critics argue that you're using the same old script to scare Americans into another, jingoistic frenzy right before the elections. All you did was pick a different country to fear. Of course not, Bob! That's an irresponsible and inappropriate allegation. How dare you impugn my integrity, sir Sorry. As I was saying, [insert name] is a grave and gathering threat to our security. Did you just "bracket insert name close-bracket"? No! And it's irresponsible and inappropriate of you to ....
     
244. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-07-04 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-05-22 Pub. Date: 2006-07-04
Image Number: 14164
Caption: Lemont, I'm you at age 80. I've come back through time in our dreams to warn you not to watch the news tomorrow. Why not? Um … I don't remember. Oh. Listen, I've been meaning to ask you, does our son grow up happy? Son? What son? Not to self: Eat more fruits and vegetables. Who are you?
     
245. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2006-06-26 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-05-18 Pub. Date: 2006-06-26
Image Number: 14156
Caption: You can't support a family on a minimum wage jog these days, Susan. Pigville Pork Burgers just doesn't pay enough. You'll be happy to know I got a better job. At last! You're using you college education. Where are you working, the Candorville Chronicle? The Daily News? Burger Queen. They pay $1 more an hour.
     
246. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-05-15 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-05-15 Pub. Date: 2007-05-15
Image Number: 17241
Caption: 1996. The House approves a bill making the burning of churches a hate crime. Well, there've been lots of church burnings, so giving churches some extra protection makes sense. 2007. The House approves a bill making violence against gay people a hate crime. Yeah, there's been lots of violence against gays, but giving gays extra protection makes no sense!
     
247. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-04-30 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-04-30 Pub. Date: 2007-04-30
Image Number: 17064
Caption: 148 killed in Baghdad today. Zzzzz. 298 killed in Baghdad today. Zzzzz. 54 zillion killed in Baghdad today. Zzzzz. 32 killed in America today. Gasp!
     
248. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-04-21 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-04-21 Pub. Date: 2007-04-21
Image Number: 16894
Caption: 2002. The Executive Branch infringes on the jurisdiction of the Judicial Branch by holding military tribunals for Americans. Awful! Reasonable. 2006. The Executive Branch infringes on Congress jurisdiction with "signing statements." Awful! Reasonable. 2007. Congresswoman Pelosi has infringed on the Executive Branch's jurisdiction by talking peace in Syria. Reasonable. Awful!
     
249. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-04-20 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-04-20 Pub. Date: 2007-04-20
Image Number: 16893
Caption: In other news, Newt Gingrich was deported to Mexico today. He was trying to convince a group of Mexicans that he's not a bigot - that he really loves them. That he's one of them. Here to discuss this, Captain Al, from the INS. Honest mistake. He was speakin' Spanish and had on a sombrero and poncho. This just in: Mexico has deported Newt Gingrich.
     
250. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-03-31 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-31 Pub. Date: 2007-03-31
Image Number: 16524
Caption: Ever notice how CNN's Baghdad Reporter Michael Ware always has exactly three days' growth of beard on his face? Every day, same amount of stubble. What's that tell you, Susan? That you watch way too much news? It tells you the news is all fake!
     
251. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-02-26 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-11 Pub. Date: 2007-02-26
Image Number: 16385
Caption: 2006 Movie star Mel Gibson says horrible things about Jewish people. Stay tuned for several weeks of coverage about this outrage. 2006 TV star Michael Richards says horrible things about black people. Stay tuned for several weeks of coverage about this outrage. 2007 NBA star Tim Hardaway says horrible things about gay people. ...in other news... zzzzz
     
252. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-02-27 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-11 Pub. Date: 2007-02-27
Image Number: 16386
Caption: I'm tired of Libs saying Fox News is racist just 'cause their "Daily Show" rip-off made fun of Barack Obama. So what if the bit started by showing a bunch of Africans jumping around? That doesn't mean Fox was playing on racial fears. I mean, since when have white people feared mobs of unruly blacks?
     
253. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-03-01 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-11 Pub. Date: 2007-03-01
Image Number: 16388
Caption: Fox's show about Obama started with shots of jumping Africans and ended with "Don't tell mama, I'm for Obama." How can you say that's not racist? Thought you'd never ask. What's this? My uncle gave me this book. Changed my whole life. "The Delusional Black Man's Guide to Interpreting the Behavior of Others." Page 87: "That security guard's only following you to make sure nothing bad happens to you."
     
254. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-03-02 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-11 Pub. Date: 2007-03-02
Image Number: 16389
Caption: "The Delusional Black Man's Guide to Interpreting the Behavior of Others." I've had it since I was ten. It literally covers every contingency. Literally? Check out page 18,987. "Fox News' satire show -- Barack Obama Skit -- Time Index 01:37… "…titled 'Barack vs. Tiger Woods: Who's More Diverse?' -- is actually a celebration of diversity."
     
255. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-03-10 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-10 Pub. Date: 2007-03-10
Image Number: 16333
Caption: 1992 Sale! Democrat Bill Clinton cheated on his wife. Hey, his personal life's none of our business. Of course it is! We can't elect such an immoral person! Sale! 2007 Republican Rudy Giuliani married his own cousin. Hey, his personal life's none of our business.
     
256. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-03-08 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-03-08 Pub. Date: 2007-03-08
Image Number: 16331
Caption: In other news, Hillary and Obama still aren't getting along. Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where Hillary Clinton is a man… In other news, Clinton and Obama still aren't getting along.
     
257. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-02-11 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-02-14 Pub. Date: 2007-02-11
Image Number: 16105
Caption: Saw your blog. Great article about eyestrain, Lemont. Thanks, Susan. Eyestrain's an underrated affliction. I miss writing fiction. I miss sending my dreams off to the publishers. Oh yeah? I used to lose myself in the words you created. Oh, yeah. And with people watching TV on their phones, it's only gonna get worse. But it's always "blindness this" or "glaucoma that." But every rejection was like to sadistic fingers snuffing out the sun. Eyestrain is the black sheep of the eye-affliction family. If I just write about today's news and people hate it, it doesn't mean they hate me. It just means they hate the news. You don't say. You're such a wuss. I do say. I know.
     
258. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-02-13 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-02-14 Pub. Date: 2007-02-13
Image Number: 16107
Caption: What're you doing, Lemont? Cleaning out my desk. Papers sverywhere are cutting costs, firing reporters and cartoonists, outsourcing the news. Lemont Brown won't take it lying down, Frank! If Lemont's going down, Lemont's taking his stapler with 'im! Got a problem with that, Frank? Huh, Frank? Yeah. That's my desk. Don't get technical at a time like this, Frank.
     
259. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-02-03 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-02-03 Pub. Date: 2007-02-03
Image Number: 15979
Caption: In other news, our invasion of America has been called off. Sources say it was all a misunderstanding. Condoleeza Rice actually threatened to attack nations that seek to destabilize Iraq. Ms. Rice persuaded the President that since we destabilized Iraq by accident, a simple "oopsy, my bad" will suffice. Back to our top story: Are the American Idol judges meaner this year?
     
260. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2007-01-31 news 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2007-01-31 Pub. Date: 2007-01-31
Image Number: 15969
Caption: Many officials believe our ongoing occupation of Iraq is destroying that country's government. In keeping with Secretary's Rice's warning of military action against any country destabilizing Iraq, the President has deployed naval forces to Washington, D.C. Will he successfully intimidate himself, or will there be war? But first our top story: The ongoing feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell apparently has nothing to do with Britney Spears.
     
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