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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-17 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-17 Pub. Date: 2019-02-17
Image Number: 176076
Caption: Kelly Facebooked me the other day. She says she's getting married … Dr. Noodle … but that thoughts of me keep tugging at her heart. I replied I didn't know whether to be happy for her, and she wrote she didn't know either. So I wrote Don't marry him! Why do you care? I don't care. I'm way over her. I never even think about her anymore. I just think that, generally speaking, nobody should marry anyone if they're not sure it's going to make them happy. My concern is for all of Kellykind. Do you mean mankind? What did I say?
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-13 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-13 Pub. Date: 2019-02-13
Image Number: 176283
Caption: Your trippin' bruh. Ancient Greek philosophers ain't responsible for slavery in America. Academics an' politicians an' slave owners used Aristotle an' Plato's words to justify they own actions. But so what? Bigots don't need justification. That's why they bigots. They'da done all that regardless. Is this about how your album was blamed for all those people who sold fake Botox shots? Sling that Buttox didn't make nobody do nothin' they wasn't already gonna do.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-08 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-08 Pub. Date: 2019-02-08
Image Number: 176174
Caption: boss, I'm more than just a cashier and a mopper-upper guy. What? If only you'll give me more of a decision-making rule, you'll find that I've got a lot of good ideas. Such as? I, uh … didn't really expect you to ask me right now. I sense a cash register that needs mopping.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-19 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-19 Pub. Date: 2019-01-19
Image Number: 175845
Caption: I've never had so many people tell me to go !@#$ myself in my whole entire life, Susan. All I did was write an article called It's Time to Make Private Schools Illegal. You did what? The theory is, if the children of millionaires and billionaires had to go to public school, you can bet they'd make sure our public school systems were amazing. It's not a bad idea. Half the comments I got misspelled !@#$. So I wrote another article about how that proved my point.
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-13 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-13 Pub. Date: 2019-01-13
Image Number: 175590
Caption: I'm doing well in my latest Surveymonkey poll. I run polls on all my social media accounts every time I make an important decision. Like when I decide which socks to wear … which movie to stream … which cereal to eat … Today I chose Lucky Charms. A solid choice. 49% of my followers felt that was proof of sound breakfast judgment. Wait ... Doesn't that mean 51% thought it wasn't? Taking a poll is science. Reporting the results is an art. A whopping 32% felt that my sticking with an un-PC breakfast choice showed I was bold enough to be president. You just ate what everyone wished they could eat.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-30 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-30 Pub. Date: 2018-12-30
Image Number: 175374
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … The runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... But instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-29 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-29 Pub. Date: 2018-12-29
Image Number: 175589
Caption: Well, another year is coming to a close. I'd like to thank you for a job well done, nemesis. I just serve coffee. Yes, but you do it so poorly, as if you have the coordination of a two-year-old. And ever word out of your mouth is vapid and narcissistic. Day in and day out, you have provided me with a slovenly example of youth that makes me feel very, very good to be old. So ... good job. Thank you for being you, loser! I love being important.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-28 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-28 Pub. Date: 2018-12-28
Image Number: 175588
Caption: Huh? What do you mean lost my mind? I read your article where you put Facebook on blast … You said they was givin' companies access to read, write and delete people private messages an' whatnot … but the next day, you sent me a private message sayin' Disregard my article, I was wrong and I'm a total fraud. What the -- I never wrote anything like that!! Your message said your alcoholism might make you forgetful.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-18 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-18 Pub. Date: 2018-12-18
Image Number: 175480
Caption: Earlier today, I considered the option of traveling back through time and making other choices. But before I could finish considering it, I changed my mind and decided I could not, would not, dare not do such a thing. But now it occurs to me, perhaps that was me from the future inhabiting my past self and making just such an other choice. I think I regret that I'm going to do what I did to prevent me from undoing that which I regret. Stop it. (This cartoon was previously published on 2016-10-26)
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-15 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-15 Pub. Date: 2018-12-15
Image Number: 175380
Caption: This is probably the last snow of the year, Clyde. For all we know, it could be the last snow ever. Want to go out and make snowmen like we used to? Nah, bruh. You wanna know why" … 'Cause I'm a grown-@#$ man. Let the memory show the only reason I didn't get dressed and trudge out into subzero weather to dig my hands in the snow is 'cause you ruined it. Why I feel like I been set up?
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-11 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-11 Pub. Date: 2018-12-11
Image Number: 175376
Caption: I just downloaded your Christmas album. Good man. How on earth did you create that obscene rap battle between you and him? I mean, did he actually say those things … or did you hire a voice actor? Computers, bruh. I went through his must an' rearranged vowels an' consonants an' what not. Thank god. I'd hate to think Nat King Cole ever even knew those words. The video was harder to make.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-30 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-30 Pub. Date: 2018-11-30
Image Number: 175158
Caption: What brings you to therapy today, Lemont? Ever since I had what most certainly was not a heart attack … I've realized I'm going to die one day. I'm worried about what that'll do to my son. M.A. I see. There comes a time when every person becomes aware of his or her own mortality. The key is to make sure you've prepared your son to pay your final therapy bill. What's the other key?
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-24 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-24 Pub. Date: 2018-11-24
Image Number: 175068
Caption: Will work for $$$. Will make you fell like a hard worker by comparison, for $$$.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-20 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-20 Pub. Date: 2018-11-20
Image Number: 175064
Caption: 1982. Do you ever get claustrophobic, Lemont? What's claustrophobic? I think it's the fear of tight spaces. It's why mama won't fly, or ride the bus, or ride in a car. She walks everywhere. That makes no sense. That should be tight-space-a-phobic. Claustrophobic should mean something else, like a fear of bear claws. Or a fear of Santa Claus. We should make up our own language. What kind of word is language? It should be talkuage.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-16 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-16 Pub. Date: 2018-11-16
Image Number: 174939
Caption: I was up all night wondering what might have been, Susan. The lives we could have led … the things we could've done … how far we could've come by now. But it's just … it's just too late now, Susan. Not really. You could dump your girlfriend, and we could see what happens. What? How would my dumping Vancouver make it so that the Library of Alexandria was never burned down? I ... guess ... it wouldn't.
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-01 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-01 Pub. Date: 2018-11-01
Image Number: 174718
Caption: I'll tell you one thing, Susan, this is not the country I thought it was. When we were kids, I thought all the bad, unfair, horrible things were all in the past. I thought Martin Luther King, Jr., the Beatles, Muhammad Ali and Mr. Rogers came along and made it all better. I want my son to have the same tragically wrong illusions. It makes for a happy childhood. I still don't think you should cryogenically freeze him and they him out when all the crazy stops. I'm just researching whether it's possible. I haven't decided.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-27 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-27 Pub. Date: 2018-10-27
Image Number: 174605
Caption: What'd you mean when you called it the Republican Supreme Court? They're not all Republicans. Ever since the Republicans voted as a bloc in 2000 to end the recount and make Bush president … and with all the 5 to 4 votes … it's become increasingly clear that the court is a political body, just like Congress. There's no point in pretending it's still some unbiased arbiter of justice. Nothing's legitimate anymore. This is just like the last days of Rome.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-20 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-20 Pub. Date: 2018-10-20
Image Number: 174496
Caption: Randy, let me ask you a question, man to man … House of Java Café. If a journalist were looking into your activities, would it be manlier to (A) bribe him off the story … What's B? B is have Russian associates deal with him the way they would in Russia. Which letter of the alphabet is come clean and apologize? Oh wait, sorry ... I gave you C. B would be make up dirt about him and destroy his credibility.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-14 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-14 Pub. Date: 2018-10-14
Image Number: 174287
Caption: My friend Miranda asked me what I thought of the outfit she was going to wear to Burning Man. It was very, very … revealing. How did that make you feel? Like she was toying with me. She made it clear twenty years ago that she just wanted to be friends. But here she was showing me something that she had to know would poke my furnace. You mean stoke your furnace. No, I mean poke. My furnace has been stoked since Freshman year -- it took me years to get that down from a raging inferno to a barely perceptible glow. I see. I think. So I juggled the furnace door to make sure it was locked, and then I stood there wondering if she was poking the coals to reignite them, or poking the coals to make sure they were dead. Or, maybe she just wanted a furnace's opinio -- can we not talk in metaphors? I'm confused. I welded shut the furnace door and turned on the A.C. just to be safe.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-13 make 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-13 Pub. Date: 2018-10-13
Image Number: 174392
Caption: Ima Buvitall @imabuvitall. Turns out processed meat causes cancer. I've heard that. Makes sense meat's at the root of all our problems. After all, if nature intended us to eat meat, we wouldn't have to cook it. Valid point. Ima Buvitall @imabuvitall. That's what the anti-meatists want us to think, anyway. If nature didn't want us eating meat, it wouldn't have made us smart enough to invent cooking. I need a burger. Right @#$% now.
     
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