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Candorville

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81. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-11 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-11 Pub. Date: 2015-10-11
Image Number: 133081
Caption: Great looking hair, made easy. Just dye. We now return to our program. How much time do I have to save the kitten, bring Timmy his inhaler, and defuse the nuclear bomb? You have a lot less time than you did before you started that sentence. We'll be back after these messages ... I'm really psyched Little Tyrant Pizza's bringing the flavor with its new pecan guacamole dipping sauce! A guy, a beach, a skateboard. A girl bouncing in slow motion. And these corn chips that have nothing to do with any of that. Buy them. Six other commercials that go on so long that you don't remember what show you're watching. Going back to Netflixing everything. And now back to our show ... What were we doing? Defusing something or other. I think.
     
82. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-09-19 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-09-19 Pub. Date: 2015-09-19
Image Number: 132519
Caption: Hello creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because you're trying to collect payment from me. If I pay you today, you won't be able to charge me a late fee, which is how you make a lot of your money. Say "thank you" at the sound of the beep. Beep.
     
83. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-09-04 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-09-04 Pub. Date: 2015-09-04
Image Number: 131902
Caption: Sell us your blog and come back to work for us, Lemont, and we'll set up a day-care service for your son. The Candorville Chronicle. And that's on top of the raise, the profit-sharing, the parking spot and the corner office. Editor-in-Chief. If you're offering me all that, you must see a lot of growth potential for my blog. Maybe that's a sign I should just see where it takes me. Is it that you've gotten used to working in your underwear? Because if so, I'm sure we can ... Yeah, definitely a sign.
     
84. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-09-03 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-09-03 Pub. Date: 2015-09-03
Image Number: 131901
Caption: I feel like when I was a kid, there was a lot more life out there. More butterflies. More lizards. More roly-poly bugs. Yeah. Same here. I always thought that was because the older I get, the less attention I pay to stuff like that. But then I read that we've finally gone ahead and caused the world's sixth great extinction event. Species are dying off 10,000 times faster than normal now. That's great news! It means the vanishing of butterflies isn't just me being self-absorbed.
     
85. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-21 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-21 Pub. Date: 2015-08-21
Image Number: 131278
Caption: The presidential election is officially underway. The candidates are making a lot of dubious claims … which may or may not be consistent with what they've said before. But who can say? We have no way of knowing. Hey, why're you looking at me like that? Listen, just because Jon Stewart's "Daily Show" is over, doesn't mean I'm not worth watching. I'm not being defensive, if that's what you're thinking ... Hey! Where are you going?! You're just going to the bathroom, right?
     
86. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-11 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-11 Pub. Date: 2015-08-11
Image Number: 130934
Caption: Robin Thicke's new girlfriend looks an awful lot like his ex-wife Paula Patton. That's so textbook. Textbook? It's right out of chapter 7 of The Guy's Guide to Breakups by Randy "The Rock" Taylor. Chapter 7's called "You Can't Miss Her if You're Dating Her Clone." I really don't want to talk about Robin Thicke. I'm trying to give you a head's up, Susan. Every man's a little bit Thicke.
     
87. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-10 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-10 Pub. Date: 2015-08-10
Image Number: 130933
Caption: I just watched "Deep Space Nine" all the way through for the eighth time. But this time I didn't enjoy it very much. I was … bored. What does that say about me? Could it be I have a thyroid problem or cardiac condition or some other illness that causes depression? Maybe it just means you'd already seen it seven times. I tried to schedule a doctor appointment, but they refused. Thanks a lot, Obamacare.
     
88. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-02 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-02 Pub. Date: 2015-07-02
Image Number: 129039
Caption: It's like the internet is a window into an alternate universe. In our universe, for instance, J.J. Abrams "Star Trek" movies and Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" earned a lot of money. But on the internet, they were all huge disappointments that nobody went to see. And don't even get me started on the difference between real women and the type you see online. Don't worry, I won't.
     
89. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-30 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-30 Pub. Date: 2015-06-30
Image Number: 129037
Caption: An 11-year-old boy was playing in his yard for 90 minutes after the school bus dropped him off … because his parents were stuck in traffic and couldn't get home to let him in. They were thrown in jail, charged with a felony, and their kids were taken away. When you have for-profit prisons, there's a lot of incentive to fill them by any means necessary. I still say if your son's never had a peanut butter sandwich, go ahead and make him one. If he turns out to have an allergy, they'd probably charge me with attempted murder.
     
90. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-21 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-21 Pub. Date: 2015-06-21
Image Number: 128073
Caption: I've done a lot of things in my life, doc. I'm a firm believer in sampling everything life has to offer. Dr. Noodle … Except for prison. I don't need to know what being imprisoned is like … or visiting the Middle East. I don't really need to end up in an orange jumpsuit ... or bug-eating. No offense to the rest of the world, but that's just nasty ... or flyfishing ... or pipe-smoking ... or body-piercing ... or alligator-wrestling ... or Jazzercise ... You're being awfully negative. Why don't we try focusing on the things you DO like to do? I don't like being negative.
     
91. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-14 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-14 Pub. Date: 2015-06-14
Image Number: 127781
Caption: Nobody could've known, back in 2003, that invading Iraq would be a bad idea. What're you talking about? Millions of people knew it. Millions of us. Millions of us said the reasons the Bush administration gave for invading sounded like flimsy nonsense. Not having WMDs was Saddam's plot to embarrass us. Daily Nutjob. Obama wet bed as child, covered it up. Goodnight Grandpa. Millions of us said it would cause a lot of unnecessary death, totally wreck the balance of power, cost us money we couldn't afford, create new enemies, and be a huge unmitigated disaster. It was entirely possible to know. Millions of us knew. General: Iraq would be stable if we had occupied it for only 75 more years. Well, nobody knew the people who knew were right to know what they knew. You know? No. ISIS destroys ancient ruins, erect statue of founding father Dick Cheney.
     
92. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-11 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-11 Pub. Date: 2015-06-11
Image Number: 128070
Caption: What's wrong? I'm reading "Abaddon's Gate." That Melba Koh is getting away with everything. Who's "Melba Koh"? She's like a lot of people. She thinks the world owes her respect … even though she's never done anything worthy of respect … even though she's completely self-centered. I hate characters who think everything's about them. Then why are you reading it? 'Cause the more I hate her, the more I know I can't possibly be like her. So it's all about you?
     
93. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-13 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-13 Pub. Date: 2015-05-13
Image Number: 126618
Caption: The Baltimore police tried to say Freddie Gray severed his own spinal cord while he was handcuffed in the back of their van. It's like that time Victor White III supposedly shot himself in the chest in the backseat of a police car while his hands were cuffed behind his back. A whole lot of people believe this stuff. It's like they think black men are super-powered, suicidal contortionists. I still don't think you should go around in that. If you have superpowers, you have to wear a cape. It's a rule.
     
94. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-04-09 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-04-09 Pub. Date: 2015-04-09
Image Number: 125201
Caption: You look happy. I AM happy. The sun's shining, there's a warm breeze and a great view. I mean, sure, someday I'll be too old or sick to enjoy any of that … and sure, someday, I'll be lying on my deathbed, realizing I'll never enjoy any of that again, but ... Um ... Forget I told you you look happy. Thanks a lot, Susan.
     
95. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-04-07 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-04-07 Pub. Date: 2015-04-07
Image Number: 125199
Caption: Dick, I stepped out for two minutes to find a spoon, and when I returned, my chicken soup smelled a lot like Ex-Lax. The laxative. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? I don't know what you mean, Ms. Garcia. Anyway, if for ANY reason you're unable to give that big presentation today, I could totally step in for you. No thanks, Dick. I'll be fine. I didn't eat it. You look thirsty. Let me bring you some tea.
     
96. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-01 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-01 Pub. Date: 2015-03-01
Image Number: 123057
Caption: I'm so sick of Hollywood values. They clearly have nothing but hatred for America. That's nonsense. Why do you think Hollywood makes billions of dollars from millions of Americans every year? All those "Hollywood" values are actually American values. Millions of Americans engage in violence, promiscuity, and whatever else you see on your tv. On the other hand, millions of Americans practice all the kindness, selflessness and tolerance you also see on tv. Hollywood is just a mirror of our society. I only meant they charge a lot for movies and cable. Oh. Never mind, then. You're right.
     
97. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-16 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-16 Pub. Date: 2015-02-16
Image Number: 123051
Caption: I still can't believe Jon Stewart is quitting "The Daily Show." Why not? Ain't you never quit no job? Yes. … Wait, no. Wait, that's a double negative. Maybe even a triple. I don't know how to answer that. You open your mouth an let wind come out. For an intelligent dude there an awful lot you ain't be knowin'.
     
98. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-27 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-27 Pub. Date: 2015-01-27
Image Number: 121962
Caption: "James Bond" can't be black. Why not? Black, white, so what? Was he ever black in the books? I don't think they ever even mentioned ethnicity. All he has to be is smooth, charming, debonair and cunning. What's important is that he's English. And there are plenty of black men in England. There'd be a lot of bigots furious about this. Bonus. It would give me a reason to avoid the internet and have a life again. Dios mio.
     
99. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-13 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-13 Pub. Date: 2015-01-13
Image Number: 121385
Caption: Too many women feel entitled. I blame every man who calls his little girl a "princess." I told MY daughter "You ain't no princess! Take off that @#%$ tiara! Ain't nobody gonna 'take care of you' but YOU." Now that's "real talk." A lot of men feel "entitled," too. Not MY son. Made him pay me room an' board ever since he was three. Two packs of bubble gum, due first of every month.
     
100. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-12-20 lot 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-12-20 Pub. Date: 2014-12-20
Image Number: 120254
Caption: I'm gonna throw up, an' I don’t want you to make a big deal out of it. If you see somethin' that look like your house key, don’t assume I swallowed it so I could make a copy of it later. For all you know, it's just a carrot. I need new friends. Carrots look a lot like house keys. (This cartoon was originally published on 2012-06-14)
     
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