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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-06 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-06 Pub. Date: 2019-05-06
Image Number: 177508
Caption: I applied for a Home Depot credit card, Susan. What? Why? You rent. How much Home Depot stuff could you need? Well, when I picked little Lionel up from Toddlerville day care and asked him what he learned today … he said they learned how to barricade the door and hide form an active shooter. This country is sick. Toddlerville told me they didn't have the budget for bulletproof doors, so I figured I'd build them some.
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-06 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-06 Pub. Date: 2019-02-06
Image Number: 176172
Caption: What was life really like in the Middle Ages, Sadie? A lot like today. There were a tiny handful of filthy rich feudal lords, and a huge mass of poor peasants who were too ignorant to see what was going on. What? No, I didn't really want to learn anything, I was just calling you old. Let's try again ... How did the sky over your house look after that asteroid wiped out all the dinosaurs? It looked brown. A lot like today.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-10 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-10 Pub. Date: 2019-01-10
Image Number: 175739
Caption: Once the sun swallows the inner solar system, we'll probably have to live on one of Saturn's moons like Titan. Imagine gazing at a golden sunset over a red ocean, beneath the blue rings of Saturn. We've got 7.6 billion years. That should be plenty of time for us to learn how to breathe methane ... but you know how people like to procrastinate. I still disagree that we're doomed.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-27 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-27 Pub. Date: 2018-09-27
Image Number: 174194
Caption: I think my son's ready to learn a sport. Whachoo gon' teach him, Lemont? You gon' teach him to bounce the ball off his foot an' chase after it 'fore it go in the street? Or you gon' teach him to get the ball swatted out his hand when he try to shoot? Or you gon' teach him to miss the rim an' the backboard altogether? None of that has ever happened. In the same game. You gon' teach him to make his one an' only shot in the wrong basket?
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-07 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-07 Pub. Date: 2018-06-07
Image Number: 172071
Caption: Given enough time, audiences know what to expect, Rosencrantz. And with expectation comes acceptance. Give them crudty, and that is what they will accept. Give them erudition, and they will rise to accept that. Feed them a diet of lies, and they will learn to crave them. I still would prefer to eat my sandwiches before you've chewed them. Give it time.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-22 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-22 Pub. Date: 2018-05-22
Image Number: 171759
Caption: Son, daddy needs to go night-night. Want to help me go night-night? Ok, I'll help you. Thank you. If you climb under your covers and stay very very still and very very quiet … it'll make me go to sleep, like magic. Only you can do that for daddy, Lionel. That makes you important. I can't help you. If I do, you'll never learn to thleep on your own. If you need daddy, he'll be over here curled up in the fetal position.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-20 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-20 Pub. Date: 2018-04-20
Image Number: 170578
Caption: I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it's not too late. When I was nine, momma asked me if I wanted guitar lessons. But I told her no, because I thought I was too old. Clyde had been playing guitar since he was three. At nine, I thought I had already missed my chance. If I'd started learning when I was nine, I'd have been playing for decades now. I'd be a master at it by now. Well why don't you take some lessons now? Are you kidding? At my age?
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-10 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-10 Pub. Date: 2017-12-10
Image Number: 165352
Caption: I've been racking my brain trying to think of every interaction I've ever had with a woman. Dr. Noodle. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I did what guys in their twenties often did: I hit on women. Lots of them. We used to think that if a lady wasn’t interested, we just weren't trying hard enough. There were books about how to be more clever. How to be a pickup artist. There were times at the club when I was dancing with a lady, thought I had a shot, and went in for a kiss. Sometimes they didn't even know they were into me until I kissed them. But then they kissed back. Other times, they pushed me off and that was that ... or so I thought. Now, at any moment, some random woman could come forward and ruin my life. Well, lets start by acknowledging it's a healthy thing for society that men are learning what it's like to live in fear, for a change. Doesn't feel healthy.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-25 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-25 Pub. Date: 2017-10-25
Image Number: 164149
Caption: Studies show that teachers are more likely to harshly punish black students than they are white ones who do the same things. Even black teachers do it. How am I supposed to feel comfortable sending my baby boy out into the world when I know this sort of stuff happens? They done called me a "troublemaker" from day one. Didn't do me no harm. Maybe I'll home-school him till he's got his Ph.D. It was educational. I bee in the principal office so much that I learned exactly where he keep his spare house keys.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-05 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-05 Pub. Date: 2017-05-05
Image Number: 157549
Caption: I can't watch Lionel for you tonight, Big L. I got things to do. People to set straight. Thunder to bring. Punks to put in check. They don't know who they messin' with. But they gonna learn tonight. This is why I never go with you to return defective products. You can't tell me Target ain't know they toaster busted.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-29 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-29 Pub. Date: 2017-04-29
Image Number: 157289
Caption: 1982. What'll life be like when we're 40? It'll be the 21st century, Susan. We'll have achieved all sorts of things. There won't be any more poverty. Little kids won't have to go hungry. Russia won't be such a poopyhead. The cold war will be over. We'll either all be friends because we're just so tired of being enemies, or we'll all be radioactive mutants. Either way, it'll be really cool. Momma says there won't be any more Vietnams because we learned our lesson ... Whatever that means.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-14 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-14 Pub. Date: 2016-12-14
Image Number: 152112
Caption: Are you ok, mister? I'm fine. Why do you ask? I saw you smack into that pole and crumble like a glacier falling into the sea. Pretty advanced metaphor for your age. We've got great schools in Canada.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-21 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-21 Pub. Date: 2016-11-21
Image Number: 151294
Caption: 1982. If you could live anywhere in the whole wide world, where would it be? Other than here, I mean. Oh. Well … I think I would have to choose Canada. But only 'cause Atlantis is under water, and I can't swim. You could learn to swim. At my age? I should've learned when I was young. You are about to be seven. I feel like I wasted my youth.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-09 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-09 Pub. Date: 2016-09-09
Image Number: 148218
Caption: I think my son's ready to learn a sport. Whachoo gon' teach him, Lemont? You gon' teach him to bounce the ball off his foot an' chase after it 'fore it go in the street? Or you gon' teach him to get the ball swatted out his hand when he try to shoot? Or you gon' teach him to miss the rim an' the backboard altogether? None of that has ever happened. In the same game. You gon' teach him to make his one an' only shot in the wrong basket?
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-06 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-06 Pub. Date: 2016-05-06
Image Number: 142722
Caption: If the sleeping pills I prescribed for you don't work, I want you to try guided meditation. You'll close your eyes and imagine yourself rising into the warm heavens. The worry and anxiety in your face melts away. Focus on the darkness behind your eyelids. Imagine that darkness turning into outer space. The stars beckon you to join them. You float to them. You become one with them. That's when the great truth of the universe reveals itself to you, and you learn ... we're out of time. That'll be $100. OH COME ON!!!
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-30 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-30 Pub. Date: 2016-03-30
Image Number: 141135
Caption: Son, daddy needs to go night-night. Want to help me go night-night? Ok, I'll help you. Thank you. If you climb under your covers and stay very very still and very very quiet … it'll make me go to sleep, like magic. Only you can do that for daddy, Lionel. That makes you important. I can't help you. If I do, you'll never learn to sleep on your own. If you need daddy, he'll be over here curled up in the fetal position.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-13 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-13 Pub. Date: 2016-03-13
Image Number: 139909
Caption: It all started with my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpappy, Ezekiel Goodhusband. Dr. Noodle. Ezekiel was the courtroom sketch artist at the Salem Witch Trials. He drew a particularly unflattering likeness of Hezekiah Usher II. Hezekiah was later acquitted. But as poor Ezekiel would soon learn, Hezekiah actually was a witch. Hezekiah cursed Ezekiel and all his descendants. On our thirtieth birthdays, we all turn invisible ... forced to live out our lives in obscurity ... our needs, our contributions, our dreams and our worth going totally unnoticed. There's no upside here. Either I need anti-psychotics ... or you're lying naked on my couch. See? We're supposed to be talking about me!
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-11 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-11 Pub. Date: 2016-03-11
Image Number: 140182
Caption: I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it's not too late. When I was nine, momma asked me if I wanted guitar lessons. But I told her no, because I thought I was too old. Clyde had been playing guitar since he was three. At nine, I thought I had already missed my chance. If I'd started learning when I was nine, I'd have been playing for decades now. I'd be a master at it by now. Well why don't you take some lessons now? Are you kidding? At MY age?
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-09 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-09 Pub. Date: 2016-02-09
Image Number: 138872
Caption: You ain't thanked me for watchin' your baby boy while you was on your date, Big L. Oh, I didn't? Maybe that's because I came home, he asked how my "booty call" went. Where would he learn such a phrase, Clyde? He's two! Most fellas woulda just turned on Sesame Street. I gave the boy vocabulary lessons. Not thanking you.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-07 learn 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-07 Pub. Date: 2015-12-07
Image Number: 136219
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? Absolutely nothing, Susan. That's the problem. I had a really hot date today, my latest article was shared 3 million times on Facebook, my son just learned his name, and I found out I'm in perfect health. But the worst part was, just now I found a $20 bill in my pocket. Can't you let yourself be happy just once? I may have used up all my good luck for the week in just one day.
     
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