Turn on the news. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story. There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on Rocky Road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills. Who told you this? Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy.
I need to figure out how to break it to my parents that I understand about death. What're you going to say? I'm going to sit them down and tell them that I understand our cat Magus died, and that's why her body stopped working. I'm going to explain that death is a natural part of life, and that they don't have to treat me like a baby. I get it. If they're still feeling upset, I'll offer to take them out so they can buy themselves a treat. If all else fails, ice cream.