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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-25 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-25 Pub. Date: 2019-08-25
Image Number: 179092
Caption: How was your day, Lemont? Horrible. I gave a speech to a high school assembly about the importance of journalism. Halfway through, I realized almost nobody was paying attention. They were all staring at their laps. Turns out most of them were on their phones. Square drones, yeah ... weird/ Seriously? Were you on your phone just now? Of course not. I don't know what you mean by Were you on your phone just now. How about a web search for it?
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-23 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-23 Pub. Date: 2019-08-23
Image Number: 179097
Caption: Seems like we may be headed for a recession. Is now a good time to get out of the stock market? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2. Nah, bruh, now the time to put half your money in McDonald's an' KFC an' let it ride. In hard times, people be double-fisting that comfort food, Big L. Recessions don't last forever, though. That's why you put the other half into 48-Hour Fitness.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-22 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-22 Pub. Date: 2019-08-22
Image Number: 179096
Caption: 80s toys was no joke, bruh. My Voltron had a sword that oculd put a kid eye out. 'Member how my Shogun warrior had a gist that shot off an' would go right down a kid throat if you aimed it wrong? 'Member that time us kids was all mail-ordering razor sharp Ninja throwing stars? I still don't agree that kids today are too soft. A few childhood lacerations never hurt nobody.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-20 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-20 Pub. Date: 2019-08-20
Image Number: 179094
Caption: Hey, Turbo, it's Lemont. We haven't spoke in decades, and I don't even remember why. Something about me not caring how you felt about stuff, or whatever. Well, actually, no I don't want to let bygones be bygones. I'm writing a memoir, so I'm hoping you can remind me what happened ... Hello?
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-19 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-19 Pub. Date: 2019-08-19
Image Number: 179093
Caption: Hi Mrs. Cass. It's Lemont Brown, your pupil from Baldwin kindergarten class of 1980. I'm writing my memoir, and I'm hoping you can check your records and confirm that I'm remembering an incident from back then correctly. That time I led the class in a rebellion against naptime ... Do your files show that I shouted You have nothing to lose but your blankies? Oh, you don't? ... So I guess you were lying when you said it would go down on my permanent record ... Yes ma'am, I have been waiting 40 years to do that.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-15 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-15 Pub. Date: 2019-08-15
Image Number: 178997
Caption: Let me get this straight: You have a moral objection to covering birth-control pills, even though it's often prescribed for medical reasons. I shouldn't have to pay so that women can have sex without facing any consequences. But you don't have a problem covering Viagra and vasectomies ... even though Viagra only exists so that men can have sex, and vasectomies only exist so that men can have sex without consequences. That's different. men are supposed to sow their wild oats. Women aren't. Who do you think they're sowing oats with?!
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-11 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-11 Pub. Date: 2019-08-11
Image Number: 178906
Caption: I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. How so I know you're you? Today's special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. Pardon? The real Uncle Mort always orders espresso. But a month ago, just for laughs, I took a picture of him with Faceapp, that app that show what you'll look like decades older. Then we discovered the app's fine print says you're granting the Russians who made it permission to use your photos for any reason. How do I know you're not a Russian spy surgically altered to look like Uncle Mort? (Words indicating Russian language). I mean, Don't be paranoid. Yeah ... Yeah I guess you're right.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-09 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-09 Pub. Date: 2019-08-09
Image Number: 178910
Caption: I read your one-sided article about the harsh conditions in our cozy camps. Border camps. So a few migrant kids and a few congresspeople told you the detainees were being mistreated. So what? That's just hearsay. Why don't you go see for yourself, and report the way it really is? Huh? Why? Because they won't let journalists in. Lame excuses.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-08 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-08 Pub. Date: 2019-08-08
Image Number: 178909
Caption: Remember how I said ICE detained that 18-year-old American citizen for nearly a month? He said when they finally let him go, he'd lost over 20 pounds because food was scarce in the camp. Detainees have said the older kids often give their rations to the little ones to keep them from crying because the crying angers the guards. What country is this?! Careful, if they think you don't know, they might come for you.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-31 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-31 Pub. Date: 2019-07-31
Image Number: 178783
Caption: What's your question for Ask Sadie? Are America's best days behind us? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time in grade school when the schoolmarm told little Jebediah Thistlewood to pull up his knickers. The next day, Jebediah's pa came to school and said In my day, a man was free enough to wear his trousers 'round his ankles if he wanted to. This used to be one humdinger of a country. I still have no idea what he was talking about. I don't even remember what I asked you.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-29 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-29 Pub. Date: 2019-07-29
Image Number: 178781
Caption: Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character. I thought my job depended on it. I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal. You said Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy ... that's just a figure of speech. You went on to say I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech. That was a figure of speech too.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-28 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-28 Pub. Date: 2019-07-28
Image Number: 178668
Caption: You got some money I could hold right quick? My boy Tashif Sheefy McFly Turner got arrested in Detroit, bruh. I don't know, Clyde … What'd they arrest this guy for? He was painting a mural the city hired him to paint. Naturally, the cops arrested him for vandalism. A city official came down an' told the cops what was up. So all of a sudden they arrested him for somethin' else: resisting, obstructing ... havin' a outstanding traffic ticket ... Geez ... All right, I just sent you money. I think it's great you want to bail him out. Boop boop. Bail who out? He been got out weeks ago. Thanks for the money, though, Big L. Give me back my money!
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-27 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-27 Pub. Date: 2019-07-27
Image Number: 178674
Caption: Boss, I've got a new idea. I think it'll double - no, triple - our sales. Not again. No, hear me out. This one's great. You know how we've been trying to figure out a way to keep customers from going to Coffee King? Yes. We've paid sweatshops in Foreignvania to post negative Yelp reviews ... We've planted rats in their kitchen ... and we've besmirched their name in many ways. Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them? Where's the fun in that.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-19 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-19 Pub. Date: 2019-07-19
Image Number: 178563
Caption: Why you always thinkin' 'bout people goin' to Mars and whatnot, bruh? We should fix our own problems down here 'fore we go up there. Gah! I hate when people say that! Don't you know that mankind colonizing other planets might be the single most unifying thing we could ever do?! And the tech we create to keep us alive out there could clean up the earth! And ... You're just pushing my buttons on purpose! Has some time to kill while Youtube was loading.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-16 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-16 Pub. Date: 2019-07-16
Image Number: 178560
Caption: In just one handful of soil, there are about 50 million bacteria. Oh wow. There's a biomass of billions of tons of microbes living 600 meters underground. Do you have any idea what this means, Susan? It means there's more bacteria deep inside the earth than animals on the surface of it. But on the other hand, it's all gross, so we still come out ahead. Don't get the biomass angry, Lemont.
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-09 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-09 Pub. Date: 2019-07-09
Image Number: 178421
Caption: Hey, Big L, wassup? Listen, I can't make it to your barbecue tomorrow. Why not? Whachoomean Why not? What you is, my momma? My girl? My parole officer? I'm a grown man. I don't gotta tell nobody why not nothin'. Even if you don't come, you owe me for your half of the food I bought. See you at noon.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-24 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-24 Pub. Date: 2019-06-24
Image Number: 178240
Caption: I'm tired of people calling the places where we imprison refugees and the children we took from them concentration camps. So what if they meet the dictionary definition of concentration camp. Did you just think quotation marks around dictionary? We don't know that I did that.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-23 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-23 Pub. Date: 2019-06-23
Image Number: 178215
Caption: One pair of Levis, please. Which cut? Extra-slim cut. Ripped or not ripped? What? Smooth or corrugated? Uniform or multicolored? Studded or non-studded? Built-in-Millennial-charger-pocket or Boomer regular? MAGA red or Dem lining. Just plain old regular jeans. That'll be $250. What?! Special order. We don't make 'em anymore.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-22 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-22 Pub. Date: 2019-06-22
Image Number: 178165
Caption: Sir, what do you mean you restored the YouTube ad budget? I canceled that because our ads were running on white supremacist videos, and not on anti white-supremacist videos! We don't discriminate against minorities, Garcia. Not even against bigot-Americans. They're not a minority! That's it. I'm sending you to insensitivity training.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-15 don't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-15 Pub. Date: 2019-06-15
Image Number: 178025
Caption: I've totally forgotten why I ever started coming here. Dr. Noodle. I guess that means I'm cured, right? I mean, whatever it was, it must not be bothering me anymore. M.A. Actually, it's more likely you've repressed the memory. Stored it away where it can't hurt you ... or so you think. But don't worry, with an extra session per week, we can tackle this setback together. I'm going to miss you, Doc.
     
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