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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-02 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-02 Pub. Date: 2019-10-02
Image Number: 179727
Caption: I saw your free wi-fi sign. Yes, it's free for customers. False advertising! If I have to BUY something, it's not free! Ok. The password is buysomethingorgetout. Is that uppercase or lower?
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-27 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-27 Pub. Date: 2019-07-27
Image Number: 178674
Caption: Boss, I've got a new idea. I think it'll double - no, triple - our sales. Not again. No, hear me out. This one's great. You know how we've been trying to figure out a way to keep customers from going to Coffee King? Yes. We've paid sweatshops in Foreignvania to post negative Yelp reviews ... We've planted rats in their kitchen ... and we've besmirched their name in many ways. Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them? Where's the fun in that.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-02 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-02 Pub. Date: 2019-06-02
Image Number: 177793
Caption: I've noticed a 25.9% uptick in impeachment talk among the patrons. I hadn't noticed. I've also noticed your complete and utter failure to depict those talking about it as sore losers … As delusional, evil, insane cretins having temper tantrums. So what if my disgraced former lawyer says he bribed the city council on my behalf to forbid any cafes but mine within city limits? What about the phenomenal job growth I've caused? I now employ you, a Roomba and, allegedly, nine out of ten city council members. Now get out there and pit our patrons against one another by declaring this witch hunt to be an illegal coup. And remind them you can't impeach a cafe owner for creating a great underground economy. Very bad man.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-07 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-07 Pub. Date: 2019-03-07
Image Number: 176627
Caption: Hello, you've reached the office of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. To ask about season tickets, press one. To ask about our support for players kneeling to protest police brutality, press two. To ask about Mr. Kraft and other powerful men getting caught in a raid at a massage parlor of ill repute, press three. You have just ordered seasons tickets. Three! I pressed three!
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-18 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-18 Pub. Date: 2018-10-18
Image Number: 174494
Caption: Hey boss, grand opening's a big hit. Almost all the patrons from the old café are here, plus some new ones. What do you mean almost all the old patrons? Who's missing? I want that traitor tracked down an dealt with. Call my contact at ICE. They've got ways. They'll disguise themselves as altar boys and wait in his church ... They'll hide in the slurpee machine at his favorite 7-Eleven. they'll call and say they found his wallet and then cage him when he surfaces. ICE doesn't play around. They could probably haul him here in time for customer appreciation hour. Very bad man.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-23 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-23 Pub. Date: 2018-09-23
Image Number: 173981
Caption: Hello, you've reached the Breakeezy warranty department. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I called last week to tell you the water dispenser on my Breakeezy refrigerator was stuck and pouring water all over my floor. I'd just bought a $400 extended warranty a month earlier. you sent out a repairman, and he fixed it. Then he sent me a bill for $200. He said you told him the repair wasn't covered by my policy! That's right. The fine print clearly states that we don't cover pre-existing problems. It broke a month after I bought the warranty! After!!! That's not pre-existing! The fine print's fine print clearly states that quantum theory suggests time may flow in both directions.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-15 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-15 Pub. Date: 2018-07-15
Image Number: 172919
Caption: Hey, Rudy. How's it going? I'm not allowed to say. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. What? I failed to read the fine print. The boss pointed out to me that the contract I signed back in 2001 forbids me from chatting with the customers about non-coffee-or-food-related issues. Sub-addendum H specifically said that every time I'm caught talking about how it's going I have to pay the boss $5. So ... in other words you just told me how it's going. Loophole! That'll be $5.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-08 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-08 Pub. Date: 2018-07-08
Image Number: 172486
Caption: Hello, you've reached Feudalbanc Massacard. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I'm looking at my statement and I see a $598.210 charge from House of Java Café. I'd like to dispute that charge … No, I don't have a receipt. I only bought a cookie so I could use the bathroom without risking them calling the cops on me ... because I was in a hurry to get into that bathroom, so I didn't have time to wait for a receipt ... What do you mean you can't help me? So what if I don't have a receipt? Think about it Ryan, who would ever spend $598,210 in a cafe?! That's not even humanly possible! ... No, I don't have a sick, perverted coffee bean fetish. Let me talk to your supervisor, Ryan. Ok, hold on, please. (Click) Hello, this is Mohinder. How can I mohinder you? I know it's you, Ryan.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-13 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-13 Pub. Date: 2018-06-13
Image Number: 172214
Caption: Armstrong told me to get all our regulars to show up. What for, you miserable dork? Tap tap tap tap tap. I'm not supposed to tell people what a horrible calamity's about to strike. He said not to panic anyone if I care about them … Well played, cretin. I just texted what I told you to the guy who audited me.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-04 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-04 Pub. Date: 2017-12-04
Image Number: 165703
Caption: Trump's FCC is about to kill "net neutrality." That means internet service providers can slow down or even block sites they don't want customers to see. Take Concast Cable, for instance. They could put Netflix, Hulu and Amazon on a separate "premium tier." They could slow sites like mind down so much no one will bother reading them. I still don't understand why you posted an article about how great Concast's logo is. It's to make up for that time I wrote a 48-part expose of their horrible business practices. Dios mio.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-29 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-29 Pub. Date: 2017-07-29
Image Number: 160762
Caption: Hello, you've reached Concast Cable's reconnection department. To answer your question, yes, we can reconnect the tv service you canceled for an additional $85/month. What are you talking about? I didn't ask you any questions. And you called me. Yes, we can be there tomorrow between 8-5. You people are getting desperate. Do not lean on door.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-05 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-05 Pub. Date: 2017-05-05
Image Number: 157549
Caption: I can't watch Lionel for you tonight, Big L. I got things to do. People to set straight. Thunder to bring. Punks to put in check. They don't know who they messin' with. But they gonna learn tonight. This is why I never go with you to return defective products. You can't tell me Target ain't know they toaster busted.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-23 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-23 Pub. Date: 2017-04-23
Image Number: 156529
Caption: Hello, you've reached Sisyphus Mortgage. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just got an ad saying you specialize in loans for self-employed people. I'm self-employed. I've taken all the tax deductions the law allows, so my income appears to be much smaller than it actually is. Is there any type of loan I'd qualify for? Of course. If you've got 24 months of bank statements that show you can easily afford the monthly payments, you may qualify for a "bank statement loan." I could get you bank statements. Great! ... Oh, one more thing, we also need to see receipts proving that your expenses match your bank accounts. You do? ... O ... K ... I'll see if I can dig those up. Great! ... Oh, one more thing, we'll also need to see your business license. Ryan, how many "one more things" are there? Before I can answer that, I just need one more thing ...
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-15 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-15 Pub. Date: 2017-01-15
Image Number: 152908
Caption: Hello, you've reached Bung Lee Plumbing. This is Bung. How may I hinder you? Hi Bung. I just got an invoice from you guys for $125 plus a $75 late fee for some work you did in my apartment. But I already tried to pay that bill, two months ago. You guys sent me an invoice that asked me to pay by phone. So I called and gave someone named "Ryan" my Massacard info. He said he'd send me a receipt, but he never did. I just checked with Massacard, and it looks like you guys never ran my card. I'd be happy to give the $125 we agreed upon, but I'm not paying you any late fee. It's not my fault Ryan didn't charge me. Do you have any proof you called and spoke with Ryan? Let me ask you a question: Would this be the first time Ryan screwed up around there? Ok. I'll waive the late fee.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-09 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-09 Pub. Date: 2016-10-09
Image Number: 148825
Caption: Hello, you've reached Candorville county. This is Ryan 2.0. How may I hinder you? My son was mistakenly enrolled in Medicaid. I need him off that. Please listen carefully as our options may have changed. To discuss Medicaid eligibility, say "two." To report fraud, say "three." To report child or elder abuse, say "four." Two. To obtain a business license, say "five." "Two." To dispute a county tax lien or inquire about your property tax bill, say "six." "Two." To make a child support payment, say "seven." To send an inmate a care package, say "eight." "Two." I said TWO! TWO! TWO! TWO! Just put an actual person on the phone! That option is invalid. To purchase coroner gift shop merchandise, say "nine."
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-19 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-19 Pub. Date: 2016-06-19
Image Number: 144283
Caption: Hello, you've reached Dubble Cross Health Insurance. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi, Ryan. I just got a bill form you for $850. It says it's for "professional services." But I'm not with Dubble Cross. I have Czar Health Insurance. That's right, but it says here you used the emergency room the same week you switched from us to Czar. So when they billed your visit to us, you weren't actually covered by us. So you have to pay us back. What're you taking about? I used the emergency room on the last day of December, and I'd already paid you my dues for December, so I was covered! Our billing cycle ends the day before the last day of the month, sir. Since when, Ryan?! Since we realized people wouldn't know that.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-23 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-23 Pub. Date: 2016-01-23
Image Number: 137949
Caption: Hello, creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown after 8p.m. In case you didn't notice, I retyped the fine print in the credit application you approved. I changed it to "company agrees to pay Mr. Brown twice the amount of his debt if company ever calls him after 8p.m." At the sound of the beep, let me know where to send the bill. Beep. Click!
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-11-29 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-11-29 Pub. Date: 2015-11-29
Image Number: 135319
Caption: Wells Fraggo fraud department, Ryan speaking. How may I hinder you? I just checked my bank account, and it's overdrawn because of several $99.95 charges at zoosk.com. I want to know how this happened, Ryan. … Ok, I just did a Google search. That appears to be an online dating site. ... Also, it seems a lot of other people have complained about this same thing happening to them. It probably happened because someone is stealing ATM card numbers and using them to sign up for accounts. Calling ... Wells Fraggo Fraud Dept. (favorited). No, I mean how come you didn't think there was anything fishy about fifteen $99.95 charges from the same dating site?! Why on earth did you let those payments go through?! We figured you were just really, really desperate.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-29 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-29 Pub. Date: 2015-08-29
Image Number: 131718
Caption: Monopoly Cable, Ryan speaking. How may I hinder you? You dropped CBS. 10% of the shows I watched were on CBS. Since you're giving me 10% less product, I will be paying you 10% less money. Ok sir, that sounds reasonable. Coincidentally, we were about to raise your rates by 10%, so let's call it even.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-28 customer 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-28 Pub. Date: 2015-06-28
Image Number: 128375
Caption: Hello Concast Cable? This is Lemont Brown. I'd like you to stop calling me. You don't really want that. Yes, I do. Stop trying to get me back. It's over. It's satellite … isn't it? I could give you more than satellite gives you … just give me a chance. No, its not ... Listen, it's not you, it's not satellite. A couple years ago, I discovered Roku. And all of a sudden, Roku gave me Netflix, and Hulu, and Crackle on my tv ... and all of a sudden I had what I never knew I'd been missing. So you see, it's not you, Concast ... it's me. You're just saying that. Yeah. I am. it IS you. You and your stupid van and your smug attitude and your crazy hidden fees. It would be a shame if I were to raise your broadband bill and then you couldn't afford to stream Netflix. See? This! This is exactly the sort of thing that made me leave you!
     
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