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1. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Sam Hurt |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Queen of the Universe |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-11-06 |
Pub. Date: |
1990-05-10 |
| Image Number: |
31841 |
| Caption: |
Toyville. The new Electra 5000. May I help you? No thanks. Just browsing. Oh, by the way - This file contains details of some of your more creative accounting practices. Do you think the IRS would be interested? Toyville. |
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2. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-10-27 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-10-27 |
| Image Number: |
174638 |
| Caption: |
It's brilliant. Customers can have the opportunity to learn the secrets of making espresso drinks. We'll charge them double if they want to make their own, and, get this … I'd rather not … triple if they want the privilege of cleaning up their own cups in the sink! I'm back! You're back.
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3. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-10-26 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-10-26 |
| Image Number: |
174637 |
| Caption: |
… charge extra for people to wear shoes, create a tax on spilled drinks, double-charge for napkins. Boring, you're not a government entity, it's been done. I give up. I concede. I've got nothing. Maybe I don't belong as a businessman. Maybe I should just turn over the keys to the place to the customers ... They can make their own drinks and become experts and run their own coffee houses. Or I could charge them for making their own drinks and call this a training ground! Witness the return of a muse.
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4. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-10-25 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-10-25 |
| Image Number: |
174636 |
| Caption: |
I've got to fight through my creative malaise. I've come up with a list of ways to eek out more money from customers. Let's hear 'em. Charge for extra pads of butter. It's okay, but it's boring. Right. How about: Raise coffee prices; sell only day-old pastries; turn out the lights to save electricity ... Boring, boring, boring. Require people to make their own drinks? C'mon, you're not even trying.
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5. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-10-23 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-10-23 |
| Image Number: |
174634 |
| Caption: |
My cheapskate muse is dead. Great. I woke up yesterday and realized it's been months since I've had an idea for cheating the customers. Everything I'm coming up with is clichéd: Charging extra for toilet paper, 75 cents for a clean cup, one-for-the-price-or-two bagel specials. I can't take pride in ripping people off like that. One-for-the-price-of-two?
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6. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-10-22 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-10-22 |
| Image Number: |
174633 |
| Caption: |
I'm out of ideas. I'm tapped out. Of what? I can't think of any ways to squeeze more money out of customers. I've lost my cheapskate muse! Return to me, creative Goddess of Frugality! This is just beyond weird.
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7. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-10-18 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-10-18 |
| Image Number: |
174494 |
| Caption: |
Hey boss, grand opening's a big hit. Almost all the patrons from the old café are here, plus some new ones. What do you mean almost all the old patrons? Who's missing? I want that traitor tracked down an dealt with. Call my contact at ICE. They've got ways. They'll disguise themselves as altar boys and wait in his church ... They'll hide in the slurpee machine at his favorite 7-Eleven. they'll call and say they found his wallet and then cage him when he surfaces. ICE doesn't play around. They could probably haul him here in time for customer appreciation hour. Very bad man.
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8. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Jerry Van Amerongen |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Ballard Street |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-08-31 |
Pub. Date: |
2007-11-04 |
| Image Number: |
20350 |
| Caption: |
…And you thought you were going to tie a proper knot just like that?! Snap. |
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9. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-08-05 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-08-05 |
| Image Number: |
173107 |
| Caption: |
Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of air? Priceless.
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10. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-06-12 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-06-12 |
| Image Number: |
172213 |
| Caption: |
Meanwhile at a café in neighboring Canardville … Have you gathered all the regulars and local animals two-by-two, minion? You were serious about that, boss? Totally unrelated topic: Let's say thousands of years ago, a big oil company was bribing a local shopkeeper to let them use his basement. Let's call him ... oh, I don't know ... Noah. Let's say big oil was using Noah's Cafe to conduct an illegal fracking operation. Let's say this type of mining is ... a tad risky ... and let's say big oil assured Noah that his cafe would be the one place in town that wouldn't cave in. Very very bad man.
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11. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-06-12 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-06-12 |
| Image Number: |
172241 |
| Caption: |
Meanwhile at a café in neighboring Canardville … Have you gathered all the regulars and local animals two-by-two, minion? You were serious about that, boss? Totally unrelated topic: Let's say thousands of years ago, a big oil company was bribing a local shopkeeper to let them use his basement. Let's call him ... oh, I don't know ... Noah. Let's say big oil was using Noah's Cafe to conduct an illegal fracking operation. Let's say this type of mining is ... a tad risky ... and let's say big oil assured Noah that his cafe would be the one place in town that wouldn't cave in. Very very bad man.
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12. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Bob Thaves Tom Thaves |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Frank and Ernest |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-05-25 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-05-25 |
| Image Number: |
171885 |
| Caption: |
Dry Cleaner. Closed. Out of business. This place bankrupted the owner. He lost his own shirt while losing many of mine. |
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13. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2018-03-31 |
Pub. Date: |
2018-03-31 |
| Image Number: |
169902 |
| Caption: |
I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 a.m., minion. I try not to wonder. After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7. We're in the suburbs everyone's asleep. Not true. By being closed at 3 a.m, we're missing out on the potentially lucrative Igor the Wino clientele. Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon. Very bad man.
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14. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-12-06 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-12-06 |
| Image Number: |
165717 |
| Caption: |
Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.
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15. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-08-13 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-08-13 |
| Image Number: |
160983 |
| Caption: |
What was it you wanted to talk about, minion? There's a guy from Immigration and Customs Enforcement out front, boss. Oh, that. ICE said someone would stop by to thank me for tipping them off to all the illegals who were hanging out at Muhammad's Bean Pie Shack. What? Why would you do that? Because I'm a patriot. In times like this, every patriot must do his duty. If we have good reason to suspect a bean pie shack is a gathering place for people who shouldn't be here, it's our solemn duty to report it, so it'll get shut down. This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with how you've been looking for ways to boost our bean pie sales, would it? Coincidence. Don't be a conspiracy theorist, minion. Oh, and go tell ICE I have another tip for them. Very bad man.
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16. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-05-05 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-05-05 |
| Image Number: |
157562 |
| Caption: |
Boss … Armstrong … I created a "Trump Generator." You input questions, and it outputs random nouns and adverbs strung together with words like "fantastic." I put it online a few days ago, and already it's getting 500,000 visitors per day. I guess what I'm asking is, why do all Trump's answers all of a sudden end with "visit House of Java Cafe, it's tremendous. It's run by a very smart man named Armstrong." I have no idea what you're talking about. By the way, did you know Russian hackers are surprisingly cheap on Craigslist? Very bad man!!!
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17. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-04-23 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-04-23 |
| Image Number: |
156593 |
| Caption: |
Is your tap water free? Of course, fine sir. So is everything in it: The pollutants and chemicals … the countless microorganisms that cause allergies and grotesque diseases … all of which cost far more money to treat than the cost of bottled water. (Sigh) Fine. One bottle water, please. That'll be $6.99. I'm not sure what's worse: Countless microorganisms of one big greedy macroorganism. I'm done filling all the bottles from the tap, boss.
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18. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-03-22 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-03-22 |
| Image Number: |
155927 |
| Caption: |
Armstrong told me he's replacing the café's burglar alarm with a string tying the doors and windows to my teeth. It was almost enough to make me quit. "Almost"? Little buddy, if someone opens a door, you could lose all your teeth! Exactly. And then workman's comp would pay for replacement bionic teeth. HOJ. I'm pretty sure that's not how workman's comp wor -- wait ... "bionic teeth"? I just think it'd be cool to be able to chew without moving my jaw.
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19. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-03-21 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-03-21 |
| Image Number: |
155926 |
| Caption: |
I've decided against replacing the café's alarm system with a system of levers and twine attached to your eyelids. I wasn't fond of the idea anyway, boss. After hours of research, I determined there's no practical way to attach twine to a person's eyelids. I meant to say no human way of attaching the twine. I wouldn't want you being irreparably damaged. That's kind of you, boss. Teeth are easier to repair, so we'll be fastening the twine around your bicuspids. I quit.
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20. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Rudy Park |
| Viewable Date: |
2017-03-20 |
Pub. Date: |
2017-03-20 |
| Image Number: |
155925 |
| Caption: |
You wanted to see me, boss? Come in, minion. My 13-year contract with Barely Secure Alarm and Donuts is about to expire. I'm tired of paying their exorbitant $7.99 annual fee. From now on, you're going to be the café's alarm system. We'll attach the doors to your eyelids by twine, and if anyone opens a door, you'll know. I'll have to deduct the cost of twine from your check, but I'm sure you can write that off. Very bad man.
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