House of Java Café. Grand Opening! What are you so happy about? What? Oh … I was just remembering my carefree, swinging bachelor days … and how I'm so glad they're long gone, sweetie-pudding. Attention! Berating session will not commence! Please, no! I'm thrilled to be stuck with you, I swear!
Sure, there are probably aliens. But why would they want to come here? The answer's obvious. How many of us tune in to insipid reality shows like The Bachelor and Real Housewives? If there's on thing we should all be able to agree on, it's that world history's been a bit melodramatic. We can't be the only species enthralled by the eternal question: What the @#$% is going on over there?