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Candorville

Comics about being asleep .

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-29 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-29 Pub. Date: 2019-03-29
Image Number: 176943
Caption: My boy asked me to sing him some nursery rhymes last night. So I sang him Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Mary had a Little Lamb. Then he demanded more, but I just … blanked. I suddenly couldn't remember any. So I sang him Purple Rain to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb. You ain't never been good under pressure, dawg. Then he asked me what weekend lover meant, so I had to pretend I'd fallen asleep.
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-01 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-01 Pub. Date: 2019-02-01
Image Number: 176035
Caption: Were I but a gossamer figment of they father's illumination … that I might reach for the golden moment … the singular image of that sweet glimmering night … then upon my breast I would beseech thee, do not speak kindly, but carry a dagger and consign thyself to havoc. I'm not convinced that you're quoting Shakespeare. I suspect you're stringing together a bunch of random words. Knaves! Fiends! Avail thyself of house and bitter rain and sleep no more.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-24 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-24 Pub. Date: 2018-09-24
Image Number: 174191
Caption: I wrote a very realistic screenplay that subverts all the usual Hollywood cliches. We don't see the protagonist in a moody bar when he feels down; we spend an hour watching him fall asleep all alone in front of his TV … and when he tries to stop a wedding, it takes him half an hour to find a good parking spot, and he misses the whole thing. We watch him circle the block for half an hour. Cliches are cliches for a reason.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-07 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-07 Pub. Date: 2018-09-07
Image Number: 173883
Caption: I read that news article you wrote comparing the president to a mafia boss. You mean my humor column? It was totally inaccurate. Yes, the president called Cohen his fixer. And yes, he keeps praising stooges who don't flip on him. But he never gave Jared Kushner the title of patsy. He never threatened to make Mueller's career sleep with the fishes. And he does not celebrate signing every executive order by yelling bada-bing! (Sigh) you always know someone has no argument when he gets extra-literal about everything. A person can't get literal. A person's interpretation does that. Don't you know anything?
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-31 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-31 Pub. Date: 2018-08-31
Image Number: 173792
Caption: Have you tried giving up coffee cold turkey? Once. It was December 25th, 1991. It had rained that morning and dew glistened on the flowers a passerby was carrying. A dog barked seven times. A distant siren wailed for 43 seconds. The ceiling light bulb flickered every 257.9 seconds for seven hours. I take it that day didn't go very well. My dog scratched itself for exactly 5 and a 1/2 minutes before falling asleep.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-29 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-29 Pub. Date: 2018-07-29
Image Number: 172924
Caption: What's your worst fear, Lemont? Easy. Vacuum decay. As you probably know … The Higgs Field that holds the entire universe together could collapse at any moment. If at any point in reality, a tiny part of the Higgs Field slipped from its high-energy state to its lowest one, it would start an entropic cascade. It would collapse the entire Higgs Field. A bubble would expand at the speed of light obliterating the laws of physics within its growing sphere. Galaxies, stars, planets, you, me, goldfish ... All of our atoms would be instantly blasted apart. And get this: It may have already happened. Since it only grows at the speed of light, we'll have no warning at all ... I'm also afraid of the dentist. If I can't sleep tonight it's totally your fault.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-06 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-06 Pub. Date: 2018-06-06
Image Number: 172070
Caption: I heard a loud, mysterious boom last night, Tyrone. As have people all over the world, Rosencrantz. Earthquakes where there should be none. Loud booms of unascertained origin. The masses are beginning to wonder if something is wrong with the earth itself. Or ... it could be that when you thought me asleep, you donned ballet shoes, crept to the middle of the alley and began twirling and dancing and accidentally leapt a grand jete into the dumpster ... it could've been that. What a man does in an alley, stays in the alley.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-02 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-02 Pub. Date: 2018-06-02
Image Number: 171950
Caption: I laugh at those who deem it insane when a man talks to himself, Rosencrantz … for we do not perceive reality. Instead, reality is transmitted through our sensory nodes, converted into electrical impulses, and transmitted across our synapses … whereupon our brains piece the impulses together and form an approximation of reality. Don't you see? Every person I've ever spoken with has been just a voice inside my head. Whatever, Tyrone. It's till creepy when you sing yourself to sleep.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-24 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-24 Pub. Date: 2018-05-24
Image Number: 171761
Caption: You know what I like best about being a dad? When my little boy curls up in my lap and falls asleep. I hold him tight and know he feels war and safe, and I feel like I can protect him from anything. Even from time. Because as long as he lives, he'll be able to close his eyes and remember this feeling and be two years old again ... hopefully without the wetting himself part. It's important to know when you stop talking.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-23 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-23 Pub. Date: 2018-05-23
Image Number: 171760
Caption: You want to sleep, son. You know why? Because your dreams are waiting for you. As soon as you sleep, you'll be running through a big, wide field of grass, playing tag with Kermit the Frog. Then you'll be soaring up in the clouds with the birdies and with a flying unicorn. Then you'll be driving a big red fire truck on the rings of Saturn. You dreams are the only place you can do these things without the authorities taking you away. Zzzz ...
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-22 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-22 Pub. Date: 2018-02-22
Image Number: 168663
Caption: I am come that you may have life and have it abundantly. Be not content to live in a basement studio apartment with cable TV jacked from your neighbor across the alley. You are capable of so much more, my child. Am I capable of gettin' some sleep, bruh? Well, excuse me for trying to grant you a divine revelation. Excused.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-09 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-09 Pub. Date: 2018-02-09
Image Number: 168184
Caption: Daddy, why did the moon go away? Well, it's simple, son. You know about the sun? Uh huh. And the earth? Uh huh. Just as earth orbits the sun, the moon orbits the earth. When it's on our side of the planet, we can see it, but when it dips below the horizon, or when there's a total lunar eclipse or cloud cover, we can't. The moon's sleeping. Oh.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-15 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-15 Pub. Date: 2018-01-15
Image Number: 167355
Caption: Let's take a moment for a brief interlude, between what was, and what will be. All the days in all the years we've been partnered have been the same, Tyrone. Wake up. Scrounge. Reflect on our dire circumstance but do nothing to change it. And then drift back to sleep. But it occurred to me today, in every story I've ever read, there's been an interlude between the status quo and the big change. I feel interludy. Do you feel interludy? Not even a little bit. (This cartoon was originally published on 2015-12-28).
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-14 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-14 Pub. Date: 2017-12-14
Image Number: 166004
Caption: Tyrone, I think the key to being happy is to consider oneself part of a play written by another. Oh, I do. I once glanced offstage, Rosencrantz. There, in the shadows cast by the red velvet curtains, lurked a little weasel of a man, frantically muttering and scribbling upon a tattered notepad. He was the writer, Rosencrantz. And he was making it all up as he went along. As I said, the key to being happy is to never glance offstage. I looked again years later, and he was asleep. Spare change?
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-29 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-29 Pub. Date: 2017-11-29
Image Number: 165419
Caption: I did a quick Google search. You've got nothing to worry about, Susan. It doesn't have to be dementia. You mom's memory loss could be caused by anything. Lack of sleep … medicines … underactive thyroid … stress and anxiety … depression … alcohol … you know your mom likes her brandy ... Not that I'm saying your mom might be an alcoholic ... although if you find a bunch of bottles hidden under her bed, it might comfort you ... or not ... I'm going to stop talking now.
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-23 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-23 Pub. Date: 2017-11-23
Image Number: 165150
Caption: All right, Sherry, let's meet up after and I'll help you bury it. Pardon me … couldn't help but overhear … It's unnecessary to add "up" after "meet." … And it's as strange as saying "let's dance up," or "let's sleep up." For that matter, what's with people who say "eat up"? Are you trying to catch a beat-down? "Down"? See how arbitrary it is?
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-24 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-24 Pub. Date: 2017-10-24
Image Number: 164148
Caption: Hobbler Day Care. Saul Crusher speaking. Yeah, I'm Lemont Brown. Lionel's dad … Yeah, two-year-old Lionel. He told me you said he was "bad" because he didn't want to go to sleep at nap time. When you tell a kid so early in his life that he's "bad," it affects how he sees himself. I don't pay you $500 per week to ruin my baby boy's self-esteem. When I say "you're a bad caregiver," how does that feel? Imagine if you were only two.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-03 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-03 Pub. Date: 2017-10-03
Image Number: 163371
Caption: I wonder why people didn't seem to care as much about the devastation in Puerto Rico as they did about Houston. You serious, bruh? How old you is, six? Seven? Is you even potty trained yet? Or was you asleep the last two years when the country elected a white supremacist for president? It's not always about race. Sometimes it's just about laziness. Five. I think you five.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-23 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-23 Pub. Date: 2017-09-23
Image Number: 162853
Caption: If I promise to get you a new book tomorrow, will you go to sleep? Ith that a bwibe? Awe we cowooding? What do you mean "are we colluding?" Where did you hear language like that? Are you listening at my door while I'm watching the news again? You know you're not supposed to do that. If you'we impeached, do I become the new daddy? Go ... to ... sleep.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-09 asleep 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-09 Pub. Date: 2017-08-09
Image Number: 161293
Caption: We're behind a lot of other countries in health care, social mobility, internet service, cellphone service, education … income equality, infrastructure, high-speed trains, voting, democratic representation, linguistic diversity, life expectancy, religious diversity, please, press freedom, child well-being, happiness, sleep, literacy, leisure, retirement security, gender equality, minimum wage, homicide rates, prosperity, the cost of food ... Other than military spending and the number of people we throw in prison, we're behind in almost everything ... so why do people still chant "we're number one!" All the time? Where we is on math?
     
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