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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-14 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-14 Pub. Date: 2020-01-14
Image Number: 181259
Caption: … and then halfway into your article, you turned into a terrorist-lover. What? You wrote Just a little while ago, when the general we just assassinated was leading the fight to crush ISIS, we were all praising him. You wrote When we get on our high horse about freedom and liberty, much of the world wants to gag because they notice how we love butchers until we no longer need them. How's that make me a terrorist-lover? When we get introspective, the terrorists win.
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-10 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-10 Pub. Date: 2020-01-10
Image Number: 181116
Caption: We might not be able to travel to other stars ever, Susan. Because of what Anton Petrov calls the wall of fire. What's that? A year ago, Voyager II left our solar system, passing out of the heliosphere, which is a bubble made of plasma that encases the whole solar system. Voyager II discovered the plasma gets up around 89,000 degrees ... Yeah, but ... is that Fahrenheit or Celsius? Interstellar colonists will need a lot of sunscreen.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-25 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-25 Pub. Date: 2019-12-25
Image Number: 180956
Caption: Rosencrantz, did you enjoy your Christmas gift? I chose it personally, months ago, because I knew it would suit you. What are you talking about? You didn't give me anything, Tyrone. Exactly. Therefore you won't shave to worry about it breaking or being stolen. I have given you freedom from worry. That is the greatest gift anyone can give. I want to exchange it.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-09 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-09 Pub. Date: 2019-12-09
Image Number: 180765
Caption: Remember that argument we had a couple weeks ago, Lemont? Well … I forgive you. Forgiveness is a great thing. But do you ever get the feeling some people use I forgive you as a torpedo? It's the ultimate sneaky weapon. It can appear magnanimous while at the same time being very condescending. Bless your heart. See?! You're doing it again!!
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-05 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-05 Pub. Date: 2019-12-05
Image Number: 180644
Caption: Hello? Hi. Do you repair new old computers? What? Well … My beloved old iMac G4 dies years ago. So I bought a new iMac and paid a kid to tear out its guts and shove them into my old G4's body. You know, kind of like if you had an old friend who passes away, so you dressed your new friend in his clothes. I'm feeling very uncomfortable. It's making a weird screaming sound.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-10-08 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-10-08 Pub. Date: 2019-10-08
Image Number: 179805
Caption: Why does your site have a Breaking News report about something that happened a long time ago? Because our country has the attention span of a housefly, Susan. We ignore anything that isn't Breaking News. So … did you like my coverage of James Madison proposing the electoral college and the 315ths compromise as a way to make this United States thing acceptable to the slave states? Dios mio.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-28 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-28 Pub. Date: 2019-09-28
Image Number: 179622
Caption: I don't want to be that guy, but … But what? Well … you notice anything about all the old tv shows they're bringing back? The Fugitive, Battlestar Gallactica, Punky Brewster, 90210 … How come nobody's talking about bringing back 227 … A Different World ... Living Single ... Family Matters ... Moesha ... Stop trying to change the subject and admit you lost that argument we had two weeks ago. Never mind. I have no problem being that guy.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-27 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-27 Pub. Date: 2019-09-27
Image Number: 179621
Caption: I left the Chronicle years ago to start my own site. But now they want me to collaborate with them on a story. The questions is: Do you think you'd be moving backward? What're you talkin -- I didn't ask if you though I'd be moving backward. Are you wearing earbuds? Um ... Do you often imagine people are wearing earbuds?
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-26 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-26 Pub. Date: 2019-08-26
Image Number: 179191
Caption: Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? That was weeks ago. Exactly. A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date. A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion. Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels. A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-11 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-11 Pub. Date: 2019-08-11
Image Number: 178906
Caption: I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. How so I know you're you? Today's special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. Pardon? The real Uncle Mort always orders espresso. But a month ago, just for laughs, I took a picture of him with Faceapp, that app that show what you'll look like decades older. Then we discovered the app's fine print says you're granting the Russians who made it permission to use your photos for any reason. How do I know you're not a Russian spy surgically altered to look like Uncle Mort? (Words indicating Russian language). I mean, Don't be paranoid. Yeah ... Yeah I guess you're right.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-28 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-28 Pub. Date: 2019-07-28
Image Number: 178668
Caption: You got some money I could hold right quick? My boy Tashif Sheefy McFly Turner got arrested in Detroit, bruh. I don't know, Clyde … What'd they arrest this guy for? He was painting a mural the city hired him to paint. Naturally, the cops arrested him for vandalism. A city official came down an' told the cops what was up. So all of a sudden they arrested him for somethin' else: resisting, obstructing ... havin' a outstanding traffic ticket ... Geez ... All right, I just sent you money. I think it's great you want to bail him out. Boop boop. Bail who out? He been got out weeks ago. Thanks for the money, though, Big L. Give me back my money!
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-24 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-24 Pub. Date: 2019-07-24
Image Number: 178671
Caption: I'm tired of people saying the President is racist for telling minority congresswomen to go back to the countries they came from. That was a week ago. It's ancient history. Get over it. What are you talking about? Out outrage over the President saying racist things doesn't just go away because of the tick of a clock ... like Cinderella's carriage turning back into a pumpkin. That reference is old and therefore meaningless.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-18 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-18 Pub. Date: 2019-07-18
Image Number: 178562
Caption: Candorville.com says we discovered tons of microbes living deep inside the earth. You know what this means? Scientists are pretty sure both Venus and Mars were habitable a long time ago. If microbes ever existed on either planet, then it's almost guaranteed they're still alive there, deep inside the earth ... I mean, deep inside the Venus. And the Mars. Hey, if we get to call dirt by our planet's name, so do those alien microbes ... and so the advocacy begins. That's your earthier privilege talking.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-17 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-17 Pub. Date: 2019-07-17
Image Number: 178561
Caption: Did you know comic strips are written weeks, sometimes months, in advance? Nope. Sometimes it leads to embarrassment. For instance, I was reading my favorite strip Bluntburg. It was lampooning the Robert Mueller testimony before Congress that was scheduled for today. How was the cartoonist to know weeks ago that Congress would be closed today because of a freak elephant stampede? Did that really happen today? Maybe.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-14 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-14 Pub. Date: 2019-07-14
Image Number: 178556
Caption: According to Elon Musk, time travel is possible. I can't wait to time-travel. Elon Musk said time travel is possible? Well, not in so many words. He said it's almost a certainty that we're living in a simulation being run by our descendants in the distant future. His reasoning makes sense. In just my lifetime, we went from "Pac-Man" to "The Sims," where Sims live, work, fall in love, have kids ... and in a few decades, the Sims will be artificially intelligent and they'll actually believe they're experiencing all that. If we're artificially intelligent Sims, then anything is possible. What time travel to be possible? Just wait for the Great Programmer to install the "time travel" expansion pack. Want to live forever? Get him to install the "immortality" expansion pack. According to Elon Musk, I'm one expansion pack away from being a billionaire playboy. Nothing doing. the Great Programmer exhausted all his "miracle" expansion packs 2,000 years ago. But he's still got some "delusion" expansions. (This cartoon was originally published on 2016-07-10).
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-29 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-29 Pub. Date: 2019-06-29
Image Number: 178260
Caption: Have you ever thought of being a nun, Sadie? Of course. Years ago I dreamt of converting and becoming a cloistered nun. I thought it would be the one vocation that would take advantage of all my talents. But that was before I discovered that nuns being abusive, vindictive, soul-crushing harpies was just a stereotype. Besides, the vow of chastity would've put a serious hitch in my get-along. Conversation over now.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-28 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-28 Pub. Date: 2019-06-28
Image Number: 178259
Caption: People will normalize anything, Clyde. If I told you 20 years ago we'd be bombing 7 or 8 countries, jailing babies, and electing bigoted game show hosts as president … you'd probably have had me committed. Nah I'd have turned you out like I did just here. 20 years from now scares me.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-06-07 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-06-07 Pub. Date: 2019-06-07
Image Number: 177956
Caption: Hi, Momma. Yes, The Giving Tree book you send Lionel did just arrive. Well … we didn't call to thank you because it just got her 20 minutes ago. Well … Yes, actually, calling you in 19 minutes ago would have been too much trouble, because we were racing out to get to day care in time. Well ... yes, I do remember how long you were in labor. But I don't see what that ahs to do with -- well ...
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-24 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-24 Pub. Date: 2019-05-24
Image Number: 177720
Caption: Boss … Armstrong … I created a Trump Generator. You input questions, and it outputs random nouns and adverbs strung together with words like fantastic. I put it onling a few days ago, and already it's getting 500,000 visitors per day. I guess what I'm asking is, why do all Trump's answers all of a sudden end with Visit House of Jave Cafe. It's tremendous. It's run by a very smart man named Armstrong. I have no idea what you're talking aboutk. By the way, did you know Russian hackers are suprisingly cheap on Craigslist? Very bad man.!!!
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-23 ago 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-23 Pub. Date: 2019-04-23
Image Number: 177324
Caption: There must have been a moment long ago when it all could have done differently, Rosencrantz … When the living could've chosen to be cooperative instead of predatory. Kind instead of cruel. Selfless rather than self-centered. It was probably when the first fish emerged from the sea to walk on land. If only it had been Lucy the fish instead of Sadie. Lucy never should've trusted that Sadie.
     
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