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The 000 Comic Strips

gathered from over thirty leading newspaper comic strips.

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-16 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-16 Pub. Date: 2017-08-16
Image Number: 161533
Caption: You know what? If we ever create faster-than-light travel, we can prove whether Jesus existed. We found a planet orbiting a star in the Cygnus constellation 2,000 light years away. That means if we were there right now, we could peer back at earth through a super-powerful telescope and see events that happened 2,000 years ago. If Jesus were real, we could see him going about his business: performing miracles ... coming back from the dead ... picking his nose ... He never would've done that, Lemont. You know how much dust there is in the Middle East?
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-10 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-10 Pub. Date: 2017-08-10
Image Number: 161294
Caption: You remember the other day, when I said we're behind a lot of other countries in a lot of areas? Well, I wrote an article about that for Candorville.com. Within 15 minutes, I counted over 3,000 replies that included a variant of the phrase "If you don't like it here, go someplace else." So I did a little more research, and then posted an article about how we're far behind a lot of other countries in "going someplace else." ... That's when I found out we're number one in the amount of angry comments posted in all-caps. I been out of the state once. That was weird.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-17 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-17 Pub. Date: 2017-07-17
Image Number: 160501
Caption: Would you like the good news or the bad. Bad. Ok. That "Vancouver" chick you're so in love with is cheating on you. Omigod … What's the good news? Since you don't have health insurance, the hospital says the albatrossectomy cost you $15,000. $15,000?! That's the good news?! Did I forget to say "relatively"? Dios mio.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-14 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-14 Pub. Date: 2017-07-14
Image Number: 160223
Caption: Meanwhile, five hours out of Russia … We need volunteer to exit plane. Divided Airline stewardess need sat. you! You are volunteer. What? But … I paid for my seat. And we're 39,000 feet in the air. Don't make me call security. Are … Are you sure this isn't 'cause I'm writing an article that could be damaging to Putin? Is only coincidence. Oh. Ok, then.
     
5. Comic Strip Mike Twohy  That's Life 2005-10-09 000 
Cartoonist(s): Mike Twohy
Comic/Cartoon: That's Life
Viewable Date: 2017-07-03 Pub. Date: 2005-10-09
Image Number: 11918
Caption: At a $5,000 a-plate fundraiser, you don't ask for seconds!
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-07-02 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-07-02 Pub. Date: 2017-07-02
Image Number: 159273
Caption: Greetings from the alternate universe where America lost the revolution. What was that, now? Oh, I see. You're in one of the universes that hasn't yet discovered inter-universal travel. I shall explain … Please do. America lost. In 1833, Britain freed the slaves, one of whom had a daughter who grew up to invent the transistor 90 years earlier than in your universe. We had desktop computers. A moon colony, and the Benjamin Banneker orbiting telescope had identified over 3,000 extrasolar planets, all by 1947. So when the alien ship crashed at Roswell, we all knew it was real, especially since a crumpet farmer named "Mac" Brazel took a selfie amidst the wreckage and uploaded it to Facebloke. Long story short, using the ship's zero-point-energy transdimensional drive tech. We've developed a booming alternate-universe tourism industry. Anyhow, I'll have tea and shepherd's pie, please. That's Monopoly money. No, that monocled man is King Thurston III, our beloved monarch. Nice try.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-27 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-27 Pub. Date: 2017-06-27
Image Number: 159709
Caption: That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-06-27 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-06-27 Pub. Date: 2017-06-27
Image Number: 159727
Caption: That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.
     
9. Comic Strip Dan Piraro  Bizarro 2017-06-22 000 
Cartoonist(s): Dan Piraro
Comic/Cartoon: Bizarro
Viewable Date: 2017-06-22 Pub. Date: 2017-06-22
Image Number: 159206
Caption: Spot the social problem. Sold 50,000 tons of addictive opioids. Sold 10 ounces of organic plant matter.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-04 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-04 Pub. Date: 2017-06-04
Image Number: 158134
Caption: I've never been in here before. What's your best drink? That'd be the Gambler's Mocha. Sounds interesting. What's in it? Oh … a little of this, a little of that. For all you know, it's a smooth blend of hand-mixed Amedei Porcelana dark chocolate from Tuscany ... and Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans, hand-picked by sherpas 5,000 feet above sea level precisely at sunset ... topped with a light whip of frozen Arctic sea foam, and black diamond cream from Dubai ... for all you know ... Or it could be day-old sludge made with tap water from Flint? I thought you said you'd never been here before. Siri, where's the nearest Starbucks?
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-06-04 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-06-04 Pub. Date: 2017-06-04
Image Number: 158198
Caption: I've never been in here before. What's your best drink? That'd be the Gambler's Mocha. Sounds interesting. What's in it? Oh … a little of this, a little of that. For all you know, it's a smooth blend of hand-mixed Amedei Porcelana dark chocolate from Tuscany ... and Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans, hand-picked by sherpas 5,000 feet above sea level precisely at sunset ... topped with a light whip of frozen Arctic sea foam, and black diamond cream from Dubai ... for all you know ... Or it could be day-old sludge made with tap water from Flint? I thought you said you'd never been here before. Siri, where's the nearest Starbucks?
     
12. Comic Strip Kieran Meehan  Pros & Cons 2017-05-15 000 
Cartoonist(s): Kieran Meehan
Comic/Cartoon: Pros & Cons
Viewable Date: 2017-05-15 Pub. Date: 2017-05-15
Image Number: 157923
Caption: Winning the lottery ruined my life. I lost interest in my career, and my marriage ended in divorce. I didn't know if people befriended me for myself or for money. By you only won $2,000. Exactly! Not nearly enough.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-05-07 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-05-07 Pub. Date: 2017-05-07
Image Number: 157127
Caption: I've traveled back through time to warn: The aliens are here. Open Mike Night Presents Future Guy. They hitched rides in on Halley's Comet every time it's near. Living nanites masquerading as technology … depending on the gullibility of you and me. 200,000 years of riding horses and buggies ... and suddenly we're 3-D printing tools and cars and trees? They're everywhere, just biding time to finish their big plan. They're in your phones, your watch, your cars, and they are nearly done. The brain ... the AI ... will arrive ... in 2061. (July 28th to be exact ... that, my crew is a natural fact). I'm warning you this way 'cause it's the only way, you see. For some reason, they get confused by rhymes and poetry. In short, I've come to warn you, evolution's happening. You want your kids to survive it? Teach them how to rap ... pening. That was close. Odd ... my phone lit up for no reason, and then went back to sleep.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-05-05 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-05-05 Pub. Date: 2017-05-05
Image Number: 157562
Caption: Boss … Armstrong … I created a "Trump Generator." You input questions, and it outputs random nouns and adverbs strung together with words like "fantastic." I put it online a few days ago, and already it's getting 500,000 visitors per day. I guess what I'm asking is, why do all Trump's answers all of a sudden end with "visit House of Java Cafe, it's tremendous. It's run by a very smart man named Armstrong." I have no idea what you're talking about. By the way, did you know Russian hackers are surprisingly cheap on Craigslist? Very bad man!!!
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-30 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-30 Pub. Date: 2017-04-30
Image Number: 156792
Caption: What brings you to therapy … "Steve"? I feel like everything is slipping out of my clutches. Dr. Noodle. I spent years cozying up to the boss, isolating him from the advice of others, stoking his paranoia. I subtly convinced him that everyone was against him and that he could trust no one but me and his family, and even they were a little fishy. I had him in the palm of my hand. I said "buy," he bought. I said "sell," he sold. I said "destroy," and he ruined the lives of the people I said were his enemies. I was the most powerful man in the world! I was the man behind the throne! Did I say I charge $100 an hour? I meant to say $1,000. But then I made the mistake of turning off his tv in the middle of Finding Dory. It's his favorite movie.
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-04-30 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-04-30 Pub. Date: 2017-04-30
Image Number: 156856
Caption: Sadie, I just saw that the "great flood" myths are based on reality. You "saw"? On Youtube. It was a video called "The Advanced Pre Ice Age Civilizations that Vanished from Earth." The guy pointed out that the last ice age ended 12,000-ish years ago. And when it ended, huge ice caps that were two miles deep melted and flooded much of the world. And then he laid out a bunch of other evidence having to do with maps and artifacts and something or other. "Something or other"? Well, yeah, at around the 12:57 mark, I sort of tuned out. I've gotten used to taking in information in 9-minute video increments ... 10 max. So this was a personal record. I'm pretty proud of it. You're deliberately trying to push my buttons. I think I'll start watching nine minutes of "Roots" every week till I'm done.
     
17. Comic Strip John Hambrock  The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee 2017-04-13 000 
Cartoonist(s): John Hambrock
Comic/Cartoon: The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee
Viewable Date: 2017-04-13 Pub. Date: 2017-04-13
Image Number: 156613
Caption: I need you to finagle me a big fat refund. Edison's Tax Service. Says here you earned $14,361.42. How big of a refund do you want? $65,000. It's time I had a vacation. You wouldn't believe the places I could go with that money. You mean besides jail?
     
18. Comic Strip Mike Peters  Mother Goose and Grimm 2017-04-09 000 
Cartoonist(s): Mike Peters
Comic/Cartoon: Mother Goose and Grimm
Viewable Date: 2017-04-09 Pub. Date: 2017-04-09
Image Number: 156298
Caption: Ding dong … Yes? Good morning. Do you know what time your neighbor gets home? Twenty million dollar sweepstakes. $20,000,000.
     
19. Comic Strip Bruce Tinsley  Mallard Fillmore 2017-04-06 000 
Cartoonist(s): Bruce Tinsley
Comic/Cartoon: Mallard Fillmore
Viewable Date: 2017-04-06 Pub. Date: 2017-04-06
Image Number: 156293
Caption: The Invention of Bottled Water … I did it! I put water into a bottle! I'll sell it for 3,000 times as much as tap water! He's mad!! Who'd buy that! Crazy dreamer!
     
20. Comic Strip Bruce Tinsley  Mallard Fillmore 2017-04-05 000 
Cartoonist(s): Bruce Tinsley
Comic/Cartoon: Mallard Fillmore
Viewable Date: 2017-04-05 Pub. Date: 2017-04-05
Image Number: 156292
Caption: Americans now officially buy more bottled water than soda. Bottled water costs an average of 3,000 times more than tap water. Someone cue the professor … "This is why our enemies hate us!"
     
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