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The 000 Comic Strips

gathered from over thirty leading newspaper comic strips.

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-12 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-12 Pub. Date: 2017-12-12
Image Number: 166030
Caption: A star called Gliese 710 is about to pass through our solar system and head straight for earth! Well … by "about to," I mean in about 1.35 million years. And by "through our solar system," I mean through our oort cloud. And by "head straight for earth" I mean it'll pass us by about 13,000 times the distance between the sun and the earth. Is a crowd gathering around me? No. I told you, click-bait headlines only work on the internet.
     
2. Comic Strip Jim Toomey  Sherman's Lagoon 2017-12-06 000 
Cartoonist(s): Jim Toomey
Comic/Cartoon: Sherman's Lagoon
Viewable Date: 2017-12-06 Pub. Date: 2017-12-06
Image Number: 165607
Caption: O great and powerful kahuna, I ask a favor. Can you turn me into a dog? And turn Sherman into a human? We want to win $1,000 in a dog show. Why not just ask kahuna for $1,000? This way seems less complicated. Right.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-01 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-01 Pub. Date: 2017-12-01
Image Number: 165444
Caption: Says here the Mediterranean Sea wasn't always there. Big whoop, geek-boy. Tap tap tap tap tap. Says here 6 million years ago, it was a salty desert that was 10,000 feet below sea level … and because of the topography and the air pressure, it was a suffocating, hellish wasteland that got up to 170 degrees. Nothing but tardigrades, misery and extra-sweaty demons could've lived there. Which reminds me, didn't you say your family originally came from the Mediterranean? Which reminds me, when's the last time you brushed your teeth?
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-22 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-22 Pub. Date: 2017-11-22
Image Number: 165149
Caption: Where do you think we'll be 3,000 years from now, Susan? Do you think we'll even be recognizable as human beings? Will we all have nanites coursing through our bodies repairing any damage and connecting us all to a hive mind? Will we have no bodies at all, and instead be sentient programs we uploaded to the cloud to escape some global catastrophe? Will we still like pizza? Pizza is eternal.
     
5. Comic Strip J.C. Duffy  Fusco Brothers 2017-10-25 000 
Cartoonist(s): J.C. Duffy
Comic/Cartoon: Fusco Brothers
Viewable Date: 2017-10-25 Pub. Date: 2017-10-25
Image Number: 163811
Caption: My dental bridge broke this morning, but I have no dental insurance. So, my plan is to put it under my pillow tonight and hope that the bridge fairy collects it and leaves $3,000.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-15 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-15 Pub. Date: 2017-10-15
Image Number: 163143
Caption: Hello, you've reached Lowe an' Sharke Lending Club. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just got an ad from you in the mail saying I'm pre-qualified for an $80,000 low-interest loan, with no collateral needed. That's right. All I need is for you to answer a few brief questions so we can see if you qualify. What do you mean? You said I was already pre-qualified. Doesn't "pre-qualified" mean I've been qualified already. No. It means you haven't been qualified yet. What the -- By that definition, everyone in the whole world is "pre-qualified"! That's incorrect, sir. There are about 101 billion post-living people who wouldn't qualify.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-10 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-10 Pub. Date: 2017-10-10
Image Number: 163629
Caption: The rest of the president's press pool left Puerto Rico, but I decided to stay and help. They needed people who could drive trucks to help deliver supplies to the survivors. I didn't know you knew how to drive a big rig, Lemont. What's to know? Huh? That reminds me: Did you know a pallet of 10,000 baby wipes makes a good flotation device if you find yourself in the ocean? What? What did you do to their truck?! It's inspiring how fast people, even in the midst of devastation, can all pitch in to buy one man a plane ticket home.
     
8. Comic Strip Jim Toomey  Sherman's Lagoon 2017-09-16 000 
Cartoonist(s): Jim Toomey
Comic/Cartoon: Sherman's Lagoon
Viewable Date: 2017-09-16 Pub. Date: 2017-09-16
Image Number: 162450
Caption: Fillmore, have you ever taken a moment to look at the island monkeys? No. Not really. They're fascinating. I'm hoping they might accept me as one of their own. Like a 2,000-pound Jane Goodall? I'm more Tarzan than Jane.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-15 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-15 Pub. Date: 2017-09-15
Image Number: 162601
Caption: Six months, bruh. Six months till they start deporting 800,000 "dreamers" to countries they don't know how to live in. I dug a hole in my closet an' I got canned food. I'm ready. Ready for what? Ain't you never read "Anne Frank's Diary"? What are you asking: Have I read it, or have I never read it? You and your double negatives. Ain't you never heard of the Underground Railroad? Now you're just messing with me.
     
10. Comic Strip Brian Walker Greg Walker Mort Walker  Beetle Bailey 2017-09-09 000 
Cartoonist(s): Brian Walker Greg Walker Mort Walker
Comic/Cartoon: Beetle Bailey
Viewable Date: 2017-09-09 Pub. Date: 2017-09-09
Image Number: 162136
Caption: I got 25,000 steps on my fitness tracker today! Did you go on a hike? No, that was just from avoiding Sarge.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-09-03 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-09-03 Pub. Date: 2017-09-03
Image Number: 161653
Caption: The mummified remains of about 40 Buddhist monks were discovered in China, Mongolia and India. All the mummies were found sitting in the lotus position. Many believe that these monks sat so still, meditated for so long, and slowed their heart rates and body functions so much that they became mummified alive ... and they believe that whether those mummies are 200, 600, or 1,000 years old ... they're still alive. Where'd you hear all that? "Strange Mysteries." It's a Youtube channel. I wrote to them to suggest they do a show on whether playing Xbox for five hours a night is the same things as meditating. I'd hate to accidentally mummify myself. You have been looking a little ashy lately.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-16 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-16 Pub. Date: 2017-08-16
Image Number: 161533
Caption: You know what? If we ever create faster-than-light travel, we can prove whether Jesus existed. We found a planet orbiting a star in the Cygnus constellation 2,000 light years away. That means if we were there right now, we could peer back at earth through a super-powerful telescope and see events that happened 2,000 years ago. If Jesus were real, we could see him going about his business: performing miracles ... coming back from the dead ... picking his nose ... He never would've done that, Lemont. You know how much dust there is in the Middle East?
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-10 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-10 Pub. Date: 2017-08-10
Image Number: 161294
Caption: You remember the other day, when I said we're behind a lot of other countries in a lot of areas? Well, I wrote an article about that for Candorville.com. Within 15 minutes, I counted over 3,000 replies that included a variant of the phrase "If you don't like it here, go someplace else." So I did a little more research, and then posted an article about how we're far behind a lot of other countries in "going someplace else." ... That's when I found out we're number one in the amount of angry comments posted in all-caps. I been out of the state once. That was weird.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-17 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-17 Pub. Date: 2017-07-17
Image Number: 160501
Caption: Would you like the good news or the bad. Bad. Ok. That "Vancouver" chick you're so in love with is cheating on you. Omigod … What's the good news? Since you don't have health insurance, the hospital says the albatrossectomy cost you $15,000. $15,000?! That's the good news?! Did I forget to say "relatively"? Dios mio.
     
15. Comic Strip Mike Twohy  That's Life 2005-10-09 000 
Cartoonist(s): Mike Twohy
Comic/Cartoon: That's Life
Viewable Date: 2017-07-03 Pub. Date: 2005-10-09
Image Number: 11918
Caption: At a $5,000 a-plate fundraiser, you don't ask for seconds!
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-07-02 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-07-02 Pub. Date: 2017-07-02
Image Number: 159273
Caption: Greetings from the alternate universe where America lost the revolution. What was that, now? Oh, I see. You're in one of the universes that hasn't yet discovered inter-universal travel. I shall explain … Please do. America lost. In 1833, Britain freed the slaves, one of whom had a daughter who grew up to invent the transistor 90 years earlier than in your universe. We had desktop computers. A moon colony, and the Benjamin Banneker orbiting telescope had identified over 3,000 extrasolar planets, all by 1947. So when the alien ship crashed at Roswell, we all knew it was real, especially since a crumpet farmer named "Mac" Brazel took a selfie amidst the wreckage and uploaded it to Facebloke. Long story short, using the ship's zero-point-energy transdimensional drive tech. We've developed a booming alternate-universe tourism industry. Anyhow, I'll have tea and shepherd's pie, please. That's Monopoly money. No, that monocled man is King Thurston III, our beloved monarch. Nice try.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-27 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-27 Pub. Date: 2017-06-27
Image Number: 159709
Caption: That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-06-27 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-06-27 Pub. Date: 2017-06-27
Image Number: 159727
Caption: That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.
     
19. Comic Strip Dan Piraro  Bizarro 2017-06-22 000 
Cartoonist(s): Dan Piraro
Comic/Cartoon: Bizarro
Viewable Date: 2017-06-22 Pub. Date: 2017-06-22
Image Number: 159206
Caption: Spot the social problem. Sold 50,000 tons of addictive opioids. Sold 10 ounces of organic plant matter.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-04 000 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-04 Pub. Date: 2017-06-04
Image Number: 158134
Caption: I've never been in here before. What's your best drink? That'd be the Gambler's Mocha. Sounds interesting. What's in it? Oh … a little of this, a little of that. For all you know, it's a smooth blend of hand-mixed Amedei Porcelana dark chocolate from Tuscany ... and Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans, hand-picked by sherpas 5,000 feet above sea level precisely at sunset ... topped with a light whip of frozen Arctic sea foam, and black diamond cream from Dubai ... for all you know ... Or it could be day-old sludge made with tap water from Flint? I thought you said you'd never been here before. Siri, where's the nearest Starbucks?
     
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